Traumas and life at the Moment -Oct 2024

I just returned from my trauma specialist and thought all the things I am doing right now to help heal could be beneficial to someone else.. soo here is the transparency of my life again:-)

But first some updates, or you can skip to the bottom to get to the therapy part:-)

Film Update:

First to touch on the film. I have it on hold. I brought on a new editor because I felt like maybe my own life should have been included more.  But I started a new Instagram page and am spreading the awareness again. I am beginning to see that these small clips I share are digestible and make an impact, so I believe that even though there is no full-length film to be released (yet) the footage is still doing something for others:-)

You can follow the new page HERE if you would like. I also was gifted some music for the film!!! So, I am slowly putting that into the older edit and pushing that forward in case the new version doesn’t go anywhere. I am giving this a deadline at the end of May to see how it unfolds. Until then I am in school channeling my inner world into my art and FINALLY getting my BA!

School:

Crazy story about my schooling. I have been at it for 10 years, funding it on my own which had me starting and stopping a lot, plus covid. About 3 years ago I found out about this program that would pay for your school in Canada if you had been in foster care, of course, I applied, but they denied me because they said I already had a degree, as I had my Associate of Art. So I ended up putting school on the back burner again and took a full-time job across the country. But the crazy thing, when I was unhappy with my work life and wanted a change I magically got an email stating I had a 28k grant to finish my BA at the school I had originally applied to! Of course, being the skeptical person of good things, I thought it was someone trying to steal my information, so I wrote back asking for my info. I got an out-of-office response from a legit B.C government email, so I followed up with the school and YEP, there we are another 180 in my life I didn’t see coming:)

That one I said was probably my deceased Gma or mom aiding in:)

Needless to say, I snatched up the opportunity without really knowing what that would look like and moved back to the other side of Canada to a town where I didn’t know anyone.

If my turbulent childhood gave me anything it is the ability to pick up and start all over at the drop of a dime. And to be honest, it is both a blessing and a curse and I love the excitement of it, but also don't like being too stable.

I’ve been on this path for the last year and have just under a year to go! I'm in a Visual Arts program so for my final year, I decided to use my art to express everything about my childhood. It's been both healing and frightening as I am processing some pretty heavy experiences.

Thereapy:

So that's where the therapy comes in! After a recent breakup (again) I realized I am terrified of real intimacy and also have some deep-rooted traumas that are blocking me from being in it. So I decided to use the discount my school provides for therapy to see a trauma specialist. One that uses Eye Rapid Movement therapy or another type is called EMDR. I wanted to share my experience of today's session because I found it really amazing how things were processed and I hope anyone else who has experienced anything similar to mine wants to try this approach.

This was my third session and I had already been given a small intro to the technique and had talked over some of the traumas I experienced so my therapist was aware of what might come up. Honestly, it's been pretty wild how my mind is eager to get to it, when I start sharing some small memory it drags me back like watching a film in reverse to my earlier years, to the root of the feelings. But for the first session, he wanted to start with a memory that wasn’t a 10 on my feeling factors. So I said “Let's do the time my mom’s boyfriend was trying to kill her” haha (not funny I know) but the fact that this was about a 6-7 in my trauma scale is pretty crazy! Even when I was telling him about the experience I said exactly that. But here we are. So he gave me a chart of some feelings and asked how I would relate to this experience. Since the violence wasn’t directed at me this time, it felt less intense. I only had “indifferent” which then also felt a bit weird. Funny thing about your psyche, it can play tricks on you, hiding feelings to protect you so you don't go there. Then I was dragged into a real feeling all of a sudden and I said It made me feel “sad” and I explained how I felt sad for my mom. Then “dragged” down again. Now I was sad for myself, my inner child started saying “Why is this always happening”, “Why is this happening to me” and bam. There I was with her. She was being protected by my psyche, and when I put the light on her she got scared saying “I don't want to talk about this”. Tears were streaming down my face now and the therapist started waving his hand in front for me to follow it with my eyes while I listened to the inner child's cries. Then he asked me if my adult self and my dog ( who was on my lap) could go back to that time with her and be with her. So we did that as he continued with the eye thing. I told my inner child in almost a dream-like state that I was there to take care of her to help her. I wanted to take her to a park, so he said that was fine and away we went. Again this all being in a dreamlike state. But as we were at the park the inner child got scared again, at first she trusted me, then all she could think of was “What's happening to my mom”, and “Why was I taken away from her” and she started to mistrust my intentions. So we had to start again.

Back to the beginning reliving the memory, this time my inner child was hiding under a bed, she didn’t want to come out I couldn’t reach her. So we had to start again, actually, he said could you crawl under the bed with her and I laughed, knowing that she would think that was creepy:-) Then I told him I wanted to tell her the police had my mom's boyfriend and that it would help. So we went back into the experience and when she was under the bed I told her, “You’re safe now, the police have him” and I kept reassuring her, finally she came out and I just held her, telling her she was safe. Then I felt sorry for her, sorry she had to experience that and overwhelming feelings of empathy came over me. And I thought of all the little kids who are experiencing things like this and wished I could keep them all safe. I told my therapist that and he told me to focus just on my own inner self for now:-) haha But honestly. I really do wish that.

So back to the experience again and we are talking about how that feels to be told these things and I told him it felt really nice and warm, that I wasn’t alone and someone was able to tell me they were sorry I experienced what I did. Then I thought of the people who have done that for me and I thought of my social worker who became a second mom to me, and woosh the tears came again and he said, “Why the tears?.” To which I replied that I was grateful for the people who gave me that, and she asked if we could stay with that feeling and did the eye moment thing again and ended there.

It felt like a lot of work to unpack just ONE small memory, but we unpacked it:-)

I see now that I just have to be patient and hopefully I can find some funding to pay for these sessions because it sounds like there may have to be a lot:-)

I hope that my sharing this may help someone else. I hope that we can all learn to find our scared inner child and to tell them they are safe, we are sorry they experienced those things and to be there for them and hopefully see some safe people that have already been there to remind them they are not alone.

If this resonates with you, I would love to hear your thoughts, comment below <3

Books Im reading; understanding complex ptsd and how to relate

I haven’t been posting much on social media as I haven’t felt a strong desire to, which when I look at it, is a pattern. After I go through some tough processing, I naturally need to “refill my cup” .. aka live more in the moment and seek joyful nurturing experiences.

I seek friends and adventure. An “energy movement” of sorts. Like the bear that has been hibernating, now it is hungry for all the berries. The fruits of life.

It’s a beautiful thing to take note of the way we live. I used to beat myself up when I would go through cycles, feeling like I should be socializing more, or that what I was wanting wasn’t right. But as feelings have shown me, they are every changing, as are we:-)

So since this is a blog to share some of the amazing books I have been reading (listening to) I will get into that:-)

#1. What my bones know by Stephanie Foo wow, wow, wow! I ate this book up in a matter of days because every word felt like it was my own. How my “messed up” (as I used to identify it) brain; processed things. The self-talk, the forward-thinking of the “worst-case” scenarios, and how I would be defensive and fall into a state of victimhood (that I thought I kept hidden from the outside world but was being acted out in my behaviors). It was like she got into my brain and spoke the things I didn’t say out loud! And man oh man was it refreshing! How I felt relieved, that I wasn’t alone in these processes and processing, and to help me understand WHY? COMPLEX PTSD! Yep, I knew I had it… as I lived out trauma as a child over a long period of time, that I wasn’t able to escape from. So my brain works differently than most others… it just couldn’t compute anymore what was a threat and what wasn’t. So everything became a threat and I have been in constant fight or flight since then.. (my sympathetic nervous system). Oh wow, now it makes sense. But the beautiful thing about this book and you have to really keep going all the way to the end to get there, was there because of this way I being, I may function differently, but that doesn’t mean it is necessarily working against me. When I look back to my childhood, I was constantly moving and this helps me today to easily navigate new places.

Plus as stated in the book, when COVID came and the world shut down where we had no idea what was going to happen, if you were like me and the author, this actually wasn’t too overwhelming. Having been used to so much change and uncertainty I was able to relax and know I would always figure it out, and if not well then the world must really be ending:-)

#2. US by Terrance Real I was recommended this book as I am curious about attachment styles and, to be honest, my friend was a genius to tell me to read this book before “attached.” I LOVE learning about how we become who we are, but what I love about this book is that it teaches us how to RELATE to others! What is cool from listening to the last book then this one, is that often what happens after trauma (and we ALL have had it) is we act from those wounded places, and because of this we have a difficult time relating to others. Even empathy. I recently chose to disengage from a person in my life, because of their lack of empathy. To see that when we act from a place of defensiveness rather than compassion we lose our connection to the other.

A really powerful statement a friend relayed to me was that, just because someone is having a different experience than you, it doesn’t mean it is not true. What another person is experiencing IS in fact TRUE to them! Wow, that, if we could come to see that it's okay to have different experiences of things, but to still hold love and compassion for the one hurting. To me, those are the only relationships I want in my life from now on.

So ya this book is a gem on so many levels, but I’m only halfway through it… so I’ll leave it at that!:-)

#3 The tao of fully feeling by Pete walker I have mentioned this book so many times, but I finally got the paperback as there were so many things I wanted to highlight! This book was the first book that taught me to FEEL all (everything) and especially the things I try to push away, like anger, disappointment, and sadness. Again book #1 talks about this too, how there are these emotions we have been taught that shouldn’t be felt. But we NEED to feel them all. Also, we need to see that the painful things done to us were not ok and that in BLAME we can find FORGIVENESS, especially for ourselves!

And finally, because I love to connect to things from a spiritual perspective…

#4 Beqoming by Azyra and Benjamin Bequer This book helps you get to the core of what you REALLY want. But I would have to say it is like a death portal, it is some crazy journey that has a workbook attached that teaches you how to see where you are blocking yourself from your potential! And understanding what you ACTUALLY want vs, what you may THINK you want. When I got towards the end of this book, I literally wrote the authors because I was feeling manic, and they said “oh you must be in the death process,” YEP! and for someone who feels deeply unstable when I can’t control things around me (certain things). Well, it showed me that I was trying to do JUST that! Control, but WHY, and where did it come from? In all the books above, so many of the ways we have learned to cope came out of a need to survive. But as we get older we don’t need to use these coping strategies. And we can hold witness to them, seeing that is an inner child part of ourselves that at some point needed to protect themselves. So as I already have a spiritual practice I listened to what I needed… and it lead me to a hypnosis meditation on grounding. Which grounding, is also related to our “root” chakra, which if you think about it, what is in the ground.. ROOTS. I found this hypnosis meditation to be amazing! it helped me release my anxiety about the future and the things I couldn’t control. The “root chakra” or the 1st chakra is about safety & security. The one thing many of those with turbulent childhoods didn’t get the experience of knowing at a young age!

So ya, that is my book review for children of addicted parents or for people who are trying to heal their traumas. And just generally for those who want to learn how to relate better to others and to hold more love and compassion for themselves!:-)

If you have a chance to listen/read any of them please comment below about your experience! I would love to hear about it!!

Adoption and the "VOID" research.

Thank you all whom have shared your stories and resources on the video I posted of my mom speaking up about how she felt being adopted.

I really didn’t know too much about this feeling and I posted it because a young woman I follow spoke up about it and asked if anyone had something similar. I remembered having shot this of my mom, so I mostly did it for her. WOW, i never expected it to get such feedback. It breaks my heart to know so many people have this feeling and so many have been misunderstood about it.

I would LOVE for more awareness to be shared surrounding this… so I am compelling some of the resources shared.

This BOOK seems to capture all the information regarding this wound. The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child", by Nancy Verrier, Amazon link here

This is a BOOK for parenting a teenager who was adopted. “ Parenting in the Eye of the Storm by Katie Naftziger” Amazon link here

Here are a couple of Websites that have a lot of information on this wound. Which is identified as “Relinquish trauma”

https://mariedolfi.com/adoption-resource/relinquishment-trauma-the-forgotten-trauma/

a website that gives “Trauma-Informed Care: Resources and Information” particularly for kids: https://www.theannainstitute.org/TIC-RESOURCES.html

AND a YouTube video on “Adoption and Addiction” by Paul Sunderland. it is about an hr long, but you can change the speed where the setting are:-) Click here

And the biggest takeaway I got from these resources for both the adoptee’s parents and those who were put up for adoption is:

You need to feel the depth of the void, of that feeling, parents need to hold a safe space for the one experiencing it with compassion and understanding. It is NOT a personal attack it is a psychological trauma that needs to be felt as it can be healed.

If a person is an adult now, there is something called “INNER CHILD” work… here is a great article on it. We need to “Re-parent” at times, so if you are an adult with this wound you may need to look into creating a safe space to allow that healing to occur as if you were the parent.

I hope this all helps and if you have more suggestions on resources.. please comment below.

TRAUMA

Music is so key in my life, so I am first sharing the song that I am listening to while I start this blog.. its called “veins”

As I sit here in the same spot that only 2 nights ago this very spot was causing me trauma, I reflect on how quickly we can recover once we give ourselves what we need.

2 nights ago I felt scared and alone. My dog was ill again, it’s been almost 3 weeks of constant stress and uncertainty, not quite knowing what is going on in his body.

Its got me on an emotional rollercoaster of feeling like I had to say my goodbyes a few times. I made peace with it, but he didn’t go. Instead, I just had to become a full-time nurse, death seemed almost more desirable. If I am being honest and for me that is the ONLY way I am choosing to be. To face my own realities of what’s going on inside even if it doesn’t sound good. I was in this EXACT same position with my mom, actually my whole life, this constant state of fear. That thought “is she dead?” always ringing through my heart.. There were times I wished to be relieved of that pain and anxiety. AS cruel as that sounds, it is real.

2 years before she died, she was sure it was coming, and like always, I flew home to be with her! I mentally prepared the best I could, to walk on those “flaming coals”. I had told her when her Emphysema was getting REALLY bad that if she chose to overdose that I would not hold it against her. At that time, there was nothing as “assisted passing” for terminally ill people. So here I was by her bedside as she put so much substance in her body, I tried to sleep to pretend I didn’t know what she was doing.. she was so scared and I just wanted her to find her peace, or maybe “I” also wanted my own peace too. At one point, she said she was scared.. so I held her hand and comforted her… telling her “it’s ok”, over and over. She calmed down slowly, and I felt what felt like her “transitioning”. AND I was prepared to let her go. HOWEVER, in came the care worker in her building, she saw my mom look unconscious, so she started clapping her hands and calling her back! I was so pissed as she came back. AND I had to sit with that shame of that thought. AND to have a serious pep talk with myself because that was not OK, or so I thought. My internal dialog saying… “how dare you, how dare you want someone to go for your own peace of mind, How SELFISH can you be!” AND so I was angry at myself.

And I told myself.. “you are not in charge of another person's path in life”. HOWEVER, I never fully addressed my OWN pain, I NEVER comforted the girl that spent her whole life in fear. Who never knew safety. Why couldn’t I give MYSELF the same level of compassion I was able to give to my mother?

1 year later I was called again to be by her side. ALONE. Alone, because she trusted me, she always said, “I just know everything will be ok when you are here.” So as always.. I ran to her “side” and put myself “aside”. I put my own fears aside, my own pain, to be STRONG once AGAIN for her. But It wasn’t fair! I didn’t want to be a savior, I wanted to be ALSO taken care of, and here I was again, JUST giving.

So skip to 2 years later, and I am AGAIN, nursing! did I attract this? How could I have seen that my dog would get sick? AND YES, I guess that is how LIFE works, we will keep having the situation repeat until we get the lesson.

They say TRAUMA affects the body, it HIGHLY affects the immune system (probably why I always got sick as a kid) and It HIGHLY affects the nervous system (why I have anxiety). So WHAT can I learn from this?

I can learn that I don’t need to be ALONE! I don’t need to be STRONG. I don’t need to be SAVIOR. I don’t want this. SO I reached out, I asked for help. I went on TikTok “live”, because I built a community there, for others, but honestly, maybe it was mostly for me. It’s a community I feel safe with because it is people that have been through what I have been through.. most of us, actually probably ALL of us have been traumatized in life, in some way. So I turned to them when I didn’t want to be alone, and I FINALLY admitted that. AND I was held, with such love and compassion. I was free to cry, I was free to express how scared I was, I was FREE to just have “another” there to take care of me. I asked if it was ok I went to sleep while the “live” continued, and I slept for a little bit, I asked people to speak to each other, and they did. And as I opened my eyes, as I went in and out of sleep, they were there.

I watched a video today on why “self-healing” doesn’t work. it’s because we NEED community. If anything Covid has shown us, is the importance of connection. AND my trauma can be reset, the more I give myself what I was lacking, connection. SO THANK YOU!!!! To everyone that supports me, that shows up in so many different ways in my life. THANK YOU!!!

I am writing this as my dog is being taken care of by a friend, a suggestion from another “TikTok” friend. It was EXACTLY what I NEEDED a couple of days off to breathe again, without feeling guilty about needing that. I HOPE one day I will get to meet most of my TikTok family. BECAUSE that’s what we are “FAMILY”

haha and this is the song I end this with.. it just came on.. it’s called.. “Howling around my happy home” that’s what this is.. this “family” is HOME!

Are you in the GRIEVING process?

JUST before my mom passed away I knew it was coming. I randomly met a person that was going through a similar experience and he shared this from Ram Dass, it really helped me so I share it with you, maybe it will help you too.

"Death is our greatest challenge as well as our greatest spiritual opportunity. By cultivating mindfulness, we can prepare ourselves for this final passage by allowing nature, rather than Ego, to guide us."
- Ram Dass

Click Here

He also has many great books on this subject.

Another POWERFUL speaker in this area is Tara Brach click here

According to https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief#denial Click to read more in detail.

The five stages of grief are:

• denial

• anger

• bargaining

• depression

• acceptance

I Hope these two talks allow you to find a bit more peace in your grieving process and please know. You NEED to let it out, so if you find yourself like me, in a line at a grocery store when the tears start streaming.. Just let them. No one knows what you are going through and you don’t need to hide it for anyone else's sake.

Sending so much love to all your hearts,

Tarah