"Ode to the End of the World"

I found this amazing woman when I was going through a dark period of my life. I had some deep trauma come up from when i was abused as a child and I was looking for something to make sense of all the darkness I experienced.

So if you ever feel like you are overwhelmed.. I recommend listening to this. I like to close my eyes and listen like it’s a book, it can be distracting to watch it even though it’s a video. I hope you enjoy and if you want, maybe leave a comment on what you think of it:) And maybe follow and leave her a comment I am sure she would LOVE to know this is being shared <3

Are you in the GRIEVING process?

JUST before my mom passed away I knew it was coming. I randomly met a person that was going through a similar experience and he shared this from Ram Dass, it really helped me so I share it with you, maybe it will help you too.

"Death is our greatest challenge as well as our greatest spiritual opportunity. By cultivating mindfulness, we can prepare ourselves for this final passage by allowing nature, rather than Ego, to guide us."
- Ram Dass

Click Here

He also has many great books on this subject.

Another POWERFUL speaker in this area is Tara Brach click here

According to https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief#denial Click to read more in detail.

The five stages of grief are:

• denial

• anger

• bargaining

• depression

• acceptance

I Hope these two talks allow you to find a bit more peace in your grieving process and please know. You NEED to let it out, so if you find yourself like me, in a line at a grocery store when the tears start streaming.. Just let them. No one knows what you are going through and you don’t need to hide it for anyone else's sake.

Sending so much love to all your hearts,

Tarah

What I've come to know about death.

I was one of those lucky people that never had anyone close to me pass away till my late 30’s. After my mom just over a year ago, I said, “I’m glad it was her,” that one of the most significant relationships in my life was given this place. She got to be my first taste of death.

The thing with death, at least to me is it is different than loss. Heartbreak over someone leaving me has been harder than death because I knew that I would probably never get back to the love we once shared. Death to me feels like a moment in time is forever captured. Knowing that the love you had at the moment they passed will always stay that way. To me, that is the blessing of death.

I was also lucky because both people I DEEPLY loved (now my Grandma), got to be free from their suffering. Death and change are the only constant things in life, we will all experience it. So in some way that is beautiful. To know we all feel the same pains, the same fears, and the same excitements. It allows us, at that moment, to feel like one.

So here is my love letter to you Grandma,

Thank you, thank you for sending us those checks every bday and holiday. When I was younger I didn’t know you did that so you would know we were alive when we cashed them. Mom implanted some not so great stuff about you, and as kids, we didn’t know better to make our own opinions of you. I’m thankful I gave you the chance to make my own opinion when I was old enough.

I am thankful I got to know your spirit, that I got to take you to a gay run restaurant that verbally abuses you, I thought it would be funny, boy did you surprise them when you gave their lip right back to them:-) I’m thankful I got to be the person that brought you to your last visit with your daughter, my mom. I’m thankful that my love for you both allowed you to slowly start to mend your relationship with each other. I’m thankful to see that you were one of the few people my mom talked to the most towards the end of her life. I’m thankful that I got to witness true healing. I got to see all the pain and misunderstanding between you too, come back to love.

I’m thankful that in some way I got to play out the role of a daughter for you. My mom was so immersed in her addiction that she wasn’t able to see what she stripped you of. You told me one visit, “no one ever thought about what I wanted from my daughter, someone to travel with, to share normal Mother-daughter things with.” I’m thankful I got to travel with you. For your 90’s birthday, we went to visit this whole other side of my family, on the east side of Canada. I had never met them and I got to see how much they all loved you. I got to witness that and to feel even more honored to be your granddaughter.

Thank you for being my #1 supporter. I have many, but your support was different. You made me demand things from life. When my ex took back the motorcycle he gave me, you said, “don’t give it back.” I laughed at this because this is not how the law works. It was never put under my name, so I had too, but I didn’t tell you for a while because I knew it would make you upset, but I know you were proud of me when I bought my own:-)

I’m glad I was the person that got to be there when you lost your second husband. I got to see you so angry, and anger that scared me. I was too young then to know, that anger was the pain of your loss. It was your love.

But truly grandma, I want to thank you for believing in me. And for giving me the best compliment a person can get, “you give me bragging rights.” You told me this 6 days before you passed. Thank you for loving me the way you do, and thank you for being the person you were, so I could love you the way that I do.

Love your granddaughter,

Tarah

I know that I now have another guardian angle looking out for me, i’ll be sure to take you and mom on a hell of a ride. Trust me. Life has so much in store for me, I’m happy to know you’ll be along for this ride, just without the vehicle.

Can you be too strong?

It has been just over a month since my mom passed and I am only starting to feel like my healing process is beginning. I was worried when she first passed and after a week I didn’t seem to be in deep mourning. However, I guess we all process things differently and I did have a whole lifetime of preparation for this. I used to mourn her death every time we didn’t hear from her months on end as she was off getting high with her friends. However, this past year she really became my best friend, and as much as one can do for another, I did it for her. So maybe it was a bit of a lack of regret that eased my suffering. Then my friend the other day beautifully said.. “maybe it is her, may she doesn’t want you to be sad anymore because of her” I like this one the best and am sticking with it:)

However, since she passed waves of a different sort have been coming in. I think this is the part where you realized you are truly separated from your parents. My mom and I used to joke all the time because I was defiantly the parent in our relationship. She even said, “wouldn’t it be great if I came back as your child” haha… not funny mom! I replied with, “id rather us be sisters or something in another lifetime, mom, you’re a lot to deal with hahaha.” But this idea of the parent and child dynamic has always played a huge role in our relationship. From the earliest time, I can remember I have to start taking care of my own needs, which included safety. It really does a number on you when at such an early age your basic need for safety isn’t met. There are tons of books on how we behave like humans when those basic needs aren’t met (in case you’re interested). So yea, this started popping its head into my present life, and then came the abandonment issues. Man oh man, thanks to parents for the awesome luggage!! ;-)

But the one that came yesterday was the winner. It was me, as a child in the hospital with her just recently, like so many moments in my life. “Being the strong one”. So can you be too strong? For me, the answer is yes. If being strong means you have to hide your fears, your pain, and your vulnerabilities, then yes. Because those are the very things that make us human. Yes, sure there may be times when we have to put them aside, but they usually find a way to come back up, in some other way. “Feelings” like to be addressed; they like to be seen, acknowledged, and they want to be loved. They are actually there as a guidance tool.. but that’s another post.

My mourning this week was for that little girl, that time after time, had to put on a brave face. in fact, perhaps it was for every child that has to to do this. My second mom is the best because she only ever sees that little girl in me, and it breaks her heart time and time again when she sees her not being taken care of. Thankfully I get to see through her eyes sometimes and get reminded I need to take care of that little girl inside.

If we don’t have that person to show us how important that little person is inside, may we find it ourselves? Because it probably needs a pretty big hug right about now.

Now that this dynamic has completed with my mom, I suppose this new era is the union of mother and child within.

A new chapter to embark on, and another… “ to be continued. “