Books Im reading; understanding complex ptsd and how to relate

I haven’t been posting much on social media as I haven’t felt a strong desire to, which when I look at it, is a pattern. After I go through some tough processing, I naturally need to “refill my cup” .. aka live more in the moment and seek joyful nurturing experiences.

I seek friends and adventure. An “energy movement” of sorts. Like the bear that has been hibernating, now it is hungry for all the berries. The fruits of life.

It’s a beautiful thing to take note of the way we live. I used to beat myself up when I would go through cycles, feeling like I should be socializing more, or that what I was wanting wasn’t right. But as feelings have shown me, they are every changing, as are we:-)

So since this is a blog to share some of the amazing books I have been reading (listening to) I will get into that:-)

#1. What my bones know by Stephanie Foo wow, wow, wow! I ate this book up in a matter of days because every word felt like it was my own. How my “messed up” (as I used to identify it) brain; processed things. The self-talk, the forward-thinking of the “worst-case” scenarios, and how I would be defensive and fall into a state of victimhood (that I thought I kept hidden from the outside world but was being acted out in my behaviors). It was like she got into my brain and spoke the things I didn’t say out loud! And man oh man was it refreshing! How I felt relieved, that I wasn’t alone in these processes and processing, and to help me understand WHY? COMPLEX PTSD! Yep, I knew I had it… as I lived out trauma as a child over a long period of time, that I wasn’t able to escape from. So my brain works differently than most others… it just couldn’t compute anymore what was a threat and what wasn’t. So everything became a threat and I have been in constant fight or flight since then.. (my sympathetic nervous system). Oh wow, now it makes sense. But the beautiful thing about this book and you have to really keep going all the way to the end to get there, was there because of this way I being, I may function differently, but that doesn’t mean it is necessarily working against me. When I look back to my childhood, I was constantly moving and this helps me today to easily navigate new places.

Plus as stated in the book, when COVID came and the world shut down where we had no idea what was going to happen, if you were like me and the author, this actually wasn’t too overwhelming. Having been used to so much change and uncertainty I was able to relax and know I would always figure it out, and if not well then the world must really be ending:-)

#2. US by Terrance Real I was recommended this book as I am curious about attachment styles and, to be honest, my friend was a genius to tell me to read this book before “attached.” I LOVE learning about how we become who we are, but what I love about this book is that it teaches us how to RELATE to others! What is cool from listening to the last book then this one, is that often what happens after trauma (and we ALL have had it) is we act from those wounded places, and because of this we have a difficult time relating to others. Even empathy. I recently chose to disengage from a person in my life, because of their lack of empathy. To see that when we act from a place of defensiveness rather than compassion we lose our connection to the other.

A really powerful statement a friend relayed to me was that, just because someone is having a different experience than you, it doesn’t mean it is not true. What another person is experiencing IS in fact TRUE to them! Wow, that, if we could come to see that it's okay to have different experiences of things, but to still hold love and compassion for the one hurting. To me, those are the only relationships I want in my life from now on.

So ya this book is a gem on so many levels, but I’m only halfway through it… so I’ll leave it at that!:-)

#3 The tao of fully feeling by Pete walker I have mentioned this book so many times, but I finally got the paperback as there were so many things I wanted to highlight! This book was the first book that taught me to FEEL all (everything) and especially the things I try to push away, like anger, disappointment, and sadness. Again book #1 talks about this too, how there are these emotions we have been taught that shouldn’t be felt. But we NEED to feel them all. Also, we need to see that the painful things done to us were not ok and that in BLAME we can find FORGIVENESS, especially for ourselves!

And finally, because I love to connect to things from a spiritual perspective…

#4 Beqoming by Azyra and Benjamin Bequer This book helps you get to the core of what you REALLY want. But I would have to say it is like a death portal, it is some crazy journey that has a workbook attached that teaches you how to see where you are blocking yourself from your potential! And understanding what you ACTUALLY want vs, what you may THINK you want. When I got towards the end of this book, I literally wrote the authors because I was feeling manic, and they said “oh you must be in the death process,” YEP! and for someone who feels deeply unstable when I can’t control things around me (certain things). Well, it showed me that I was trying to do JUST that! Control, but WHY, and where did it come from? In all the books above, so many of the ways we have learned to cope came out of a need to survive. But as we get older we don’t need to use these coping strategies. And we can hold witness to them, seeing that is an inner child part of ourselves that at some point needed to protect themselves. So as I already have a spiritual practice I listened to what I needed… and it lead me to a hypnosis meditation on grounding. Which grounding, is also related to our “root” chakra, which if you think about it, what is in the ground.. ROOTS. I found this hypnosis meditation to be amazing! it helped me release my anxiety about the future and the things I couldn’t control. The “root chakra” or the 1st chakra is about safety & security. The one thing many of those with turbulent childhoods didn’t get the experience of knowing at a young age!

So ya, that is my book review for children of addicted parents or for people who are trying to heal their traumas. And just generally for those who want to learn how to relate better to others and to hold more love and compassion for themselves!:-)

If you have a chance to listen/read any of them please comment below about your experience! I would love to hear about it!!

Addiction and why I picked up my camera

When I first started this film, I thought it would be for kids, like myself, that have been torn away from their parents from drug addiction. Without knowing how I would tell the story, or even what the story would be about, I just started shooting and asking questions. I guess I thought if I could understand my mom's addiction, I could find the answers to my own pain. Skip to 15 years later, I'm still learning and healing, even after she is gone. I don't know if you will ever find all the answers, but maybe life isn’t always about that. Maybe it truly is about the journey, and hopefully, it will lead to a place of more love for oneself and others.

Human pain is all the same, as my mom told me, “ no one’s pain is better or worse than the others.” Through this journey with this film, I learned how to heal my wounds through understanding, compassion, and ultimately forgiveness. I learned that the pain I held inside from my mom’s choices, were choices she made from her own place of pain. It wasn’t about me. It also didn’t mean I had to deny my own feelings in order to understand her why’s, because it still happened to me, and that was real. I’ve learned you can hold compassion for both aspects of pain, and it is necessary to fully heal.

I see the results of addiction on families and it tears my heart apart. I see people living without a soul to call on, alone and feeling unloved. And I’ve seen family members destroyed when their loved ones pass away and they feel like they let them down. So, how can we end these vicious cycles of pain and regret? The only way I know how is to keep the love alive and to keep healing ourselves, so we can be there for those who lost their way to their own self-love.

This journey became not only about making a film but as a tool for my own healing and ultimately becoming a voice for those that have lost theirs. It has transitioned from being only for kids to becoming something for us all. I hope that by sharing our journey there will be lessons along the way that will help others on a similar path. Because all we did was clumsily, determinedly, kept trying to find a way through all the misunderstandings and pain, and we got there in the end. We got to the source of what really mattered and that was love.

Addiction may take lives, but it doesn’t have to take love.

Access my healing tools here