I just returned from my trauma specialist and thought all the things I am doing right now to help heal could be beneficial to someone else.. soo here is the transparency of my life again:-)
But first some updates, or you can skip to the bottom to get to the therapy part:-)
Film Update:
First to touch on the film. I have it on hold. I brought on a new editor because I felt like maybe my own life should have been included more. But I started a new Instagram page and am spreading the awareness again. I am beginning to see that these small clips I share are digestible and make an impact, so I believe that even though there is no full-length film to be released (yet) the footage is still doing something for others:-)
You can follow the new page HERE if you would like. I also was gifted some music for the film!!! So, I am slowly putting that into the older edit and pushing that forward in case the new version doesn’t go anywhere. I am giving this a deadline at the end of May to see how it unfolds. Until then I am in school channeling my inner world into my art and FINALLY getting my BA!
School:
Crazy story about my schooling. I have been at it for 10 years, funding it on my own which had me starting and stopping a lot, plus covid. About 3 years ago I found out about this program that would pay for your school in Canada if you had been in foster care, of course, I applied, but they denied me because they said I already had a degree, as I had my Associate of Art. So I ended up putting school on the back burner again and took a full-time job across the country. But the crazy thing, when I was unhappy with my work life and wanted a change I magically got an email stating I had a 28k grant to finish my BA at the school I had originally applied to! Of course, being the skeptical person of good things, I thought it was someone trying to steal my information, so I wrote back asking for my info. I got an out-of-office response from a legit B.C government email, so I followed up with the school and YEP, there we are another 180 in my life I didn’t see coming:)
That one I said was probably my deceased Gma or mom aiding in:)
Needless to say, I snatched up the opportunity without really knowing what that would look like and moved back to the other side of Canada to a town where I didn’t know anyone.
If my turbulent childhood gave me anything it is the ability to pick up and start all over at the drop of a dime. And to be honest, it is both a blessing and a curse and I love the excitement of it, but also don't like being too stable.
I’ve been on this path for the last year and have just under a year to go! I'm in a Visual Arts program so for my final year, I decided to use my art to express everything about my childhood. It's been both healing and frightening as I am processing some pretty heavy experiences.
Thereapy:
So that's where the therapy comes in! After a recent breakup (again) I realized I am terrified of real intimacy and also have some deep-rooted traumas that are blocking me from being in it. So I decided to use the discount my school provides for therapy to see a trauma specialist. One that uses Eye Rapid Movement therapy or another type is called EMDR. I wanted to share my experience of today's session because I found it really amazing how things were processed and I hope anyone else who has experienced anything similar to mine wants to try this approach.
This was my third session and I had already been given a small intro to the technique and had talked over some of the traumas I experienced so my therapist was aware of what might come up. Honestly, it's been pretty wild how my mind is eager to get to it, when I start sharing some small memory it drags me back like watching a film in reverse to my earlier years, to the root of the feelings. But for the first session, he wanted to start with a memory that wasn’t a 10 on my feeling factors. So I said “Let's do the time my mom’s boyfriend was trying to kill her” haha (not funny I know) but the fact that this was about a 6-7 in my trauma scale is pretty crazy! Even when I was telling him about the experience I said exactly that. But here we are. So he gave me a chart of some feelings and asked how I would relate to this experience. Since the violence wasn’t directed at me this time, it felt less intense. I only had “indifferent” which then also felt a bit weird. Funny thing about your psyche, it can play tricks on you, hiding feelings to protect you so you don't go there. Then I was dragged into a real feeling all of a sudden and I said It made me feel “sad” and I explained how I felt sad for my mom. Then “dragged” down again. Now I was sad for myself, my inner child started saying “Why is this always happening”, “Why is this happening to me” and bam. There I was with her. She was being protected by my psyche, and when I put the light on her she got scared saying “I don't want to talk about this”. Tears were streaming down my face now and the therapist started waving his hand in front for me to follow it with my eyes while I listened to the inner child's cries. Then he asked me if my adult self and my dog ( who was on my lap) could go back to that time with her and be with her. So we did that as he continued with the eye thing. I told my inner child in almost a dream-like state that I was there to take care of her to help her. I wanted to take her to a park, so he said that was fine and away we went. Again this all being in a dreamlike state. But as we were at the park the inner child got scared again, at first she trusted me, then all she could think of was “What's happening to my mom”, and “Why was I taken away from her” and she started to mistrust my intentions. So we had to start again.
Back to the beginning reliving the memory, this time my inner child was hiding under a bed, she didn’t want to come out I couldn’t reach her. So we had to start again, actually, he said could you crawl under the bed with her and I laughed, knowing that she would think that was creepy:-) Then I told him I wanted to tell her the police had my mom's boyfriend and that it would help. So we went back into the experience and when she was under the bed I told her, “You’re safe now, the police have him” and I kept reassuring her, finally she came out and I just held her, telling her she was safe. Then I felt sorry for her, sorry she had to experience that and overwhelming feelings of empathy came over me. And I thought of all the little kids who are experiencing things like this and wished I could keep them all safe. I told my therapist that and he told me to focus just on my own inner self for now:-) haha But honestly. I really do wish that.
So back to the experience again and we are talking about how that feels to be told these things and I told him it felt really nice and warm, that I wasn’t alone and someone was able to tell me they were sorry I experienced what I did. Then I thought of the people who have done that for me and I thought of my social worker who became a second mom to me, and woosh the tears came again and he said, “Why the tears?.” To which I replied that I was grateful for the people who gave me that, and she asked if we could stay with that feeling and did the eye moment thing again and ended there.
It felt like a lot of work to unpack just ONE small memory, but we unpacked it:-)
I see now that I just have to be patient and hopefully I can find some funding to pay for these sessions because it sounds like there may have to be a lot:-)
I hope that my sharing this may help someone else. I hope that we can all learn to find our scared inner child and to tell them they are safe, we are sorry they experienced those things and to be there for them and hopefully see some safe people that have already been there to remind them they are not alone.
If this resonates with you, I would love to hear your thoughts, comment below <3