Pain As a Teacher

Love & pain, your greatest teachers

I woke up last night at the usual hr of 4am.. when I get flooded with thoughts/insights/processing ETC. I’m actually curious to know if this is the hr that happens for anyone else? (comment below)

So AS I was struggling to sleep, I decided to grab my phone and document in words what I was thinking.. and I came to this..

-The mother wound; can you imagine coming into this world and the one person that is supposed to teach you about love doesn't show you love, or can't show you the love you need as a child, so you spend the rest of your life searching for it. Well… if you're lucky you may come out on the other side realizing that it was all WRONG… YOU are/were always lovable (EVERYONE is) and the only reason your parent couldn’t make you feel that way, was because they were deep in their own wound of not feeling “loveable”. And they may have been trying to escape their own pain of that feeling through rage, drugs, sex, etc which also probably impacted you.

In my last blog, I wrote about how I was able to show the love she lacked from her own mother and give it to her. Because of my own wound, it pushed me to have empathy for other people with pain. I never wanted anyone to feel alone. Including my own mother. Which, yes, can result in codependency if we are not careful.

But also on this journey in my last blog, I wrote about how I wanted a partner that could hold my pain. Today I come to see that I attracted people that couldn't, or wouldn't. Because (I) needed to hold that pain. (I) need to love that part of myself that feels broken, so that I no longer step into a relationship thinking they will (fix) me.. i.e..giving me more love than I give myself.. then I have to ask myself: would I be staying in that relationship if I truly loved myself?

I recently read a statement by a psychologist in the book 'Deeper dating’ about how we will attract people that treat us in a particular way (often painful ways) to show us what needs to be healed.

If we cannot give ourselves those things- sure you may find partner that can help us hold that pain, but they will never fix it (that is only for us). And yes.. true love is a teacher and it beyond powerful; BUT self LOVE. Well that is a whole other level that can show you.. you are actually NEVER without LOVE. That is what I am getting flickers of right now. Seeing how many relationships I drew in, that I gave everything till I had non left for me. And I kept doing it over and over, because I didn’t value what I was giving. I was like her.. let me give you everything and never ask for anything in return, because isn’t that is what I thought love was a child of an addict ( but really it was just a person, that was hurting and numbing).

They say “pain travels through families until someone is willing to feel it”. I felt it. I feel it. And I'm going to give every inch of my love to it. now.

I recently went to Esalen , and through the curiosity of my friend’s 10 yr daughter and my own.. we joined a bathing ritual joining us was also her cutest little 5-year-old son (just o give the full vision), and we were all naked haha (very Esalan, and the first time I have ever been naked in front of strangers during the day). When I stepped into the water there were adults all around holding flowers and slowly releasing them into the middle of the tub; stating the names of the people they lost. I instantly wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because I could feel all their pain, because I knew my own so well. In the ritual, the teacher asked us to hold the flower to our hearts and breathe through the flower to release something. I asked to release my pain and cried.

I used to think that love was the greatest teacher and now I understand that it is ALSO pain. They are parallels to each other. And both are equally beautiful in this game called life. When we stop hating one, when we lean in and let it whisper its secrets to us. Well, that is where the real magic happens. Because as we hopefully know by now.. life is always working “for you, not against you.”

AND just as I was given something to solidify my early morning retrospection.. I randomly selected a podcast to listen to as I walked my dog.. It is Glennon Doyle, on Opera’s super soul Wow, so much goodness in one little 30+ min show! She not only speaks of the honesty in the recovery community ( my people) thanks to my mom for showing me this. She said they were the first “Honest people” she has ever met, and I would have to agree.. its probably why I love so many in recovery and also those still battling the demon.

She also went on towards the end of the show to speak about pain! and it was like she read my mind, which obviously I just tapped into something universal. And she states so many gems… So I will leave you with them.. but please do yourself a favor and give it a listen (link highlighted above)

"Use the pain, to save yourself" -Glennon Doyle

“God gives us love, so it changes us” -Glennon Doyle

“No love is wasted, and love never fails” -Glennon Doyle

She also states… “pain is a teacher… it is the easy ways out..that we should be afraid of” she refers to numbing and addiction. AND can we please ALL be honest here for a moment…. Im sure we have ALL had an addiction of some sort at some point, and no one is better or worse, because of WHAT that addiction was. <3

The mother wound- in action and how to address it

I was recently contacted by an amazing show… which I will reveal later, if I get on.. but I really hope I do, because they are doing great work, and guess what??!!! They want to do a show on “the mother wound.”

They found me via tiktok (thanks again tiktok for all the connections you have brought me) I had put the #motherwound on one of my videos, however, I never really understood what that was so I had to do a little research on it. Here is what I found "The mother wound includes the dysfunctional coping mechanisms of women: sacrificing their needs, denying their power and potential, and abandoning their authenticity," Macaluso explains. "These strategies hammer home dysfunctional patterns [like] self-sacrifice, self-denial, and self-abandonment, which become highly dysfunctional traits in adulthood." you can read more here

Actually, as I post that.. it wasn’t the original article I found, but I really like this one. It speaks of the oppression of women, due to “ living in a patriarchal culture that's oppressive toward women.” which I may dive into later..

However, I knew that my childhood harvested a mother wound, and through my filming, I got to see my mother also had a mother wound.. and it has probably been going on for centuries!

What I came to see “my mother wound” being, was; growing up in an environment that lacked safety, security, and the inability to express my negative emotion.. due to my mother’s own pains.

This upbringing lead me to have low self-esteem. I didn’t value myself, because I believed my mother’s actions were in relation to how she felt about me. WHICH in reality and in my healing process with my mom, couldn’t be further from the truth. You know that saying “ hurt people, hurt people” well this is true. My mothers own pain, her own low self-esteem led her to numb through drugs. Yet, as much as I know this truth, it doesn’t heal the wound. SO I’m still in the process with this..

For myself, I numbed with drinking and sex. I guess I learned enough about the hazards of drugs from my mom, but I had to figure out that the way I was coping, wasn’t any different. And there are SOO many ways we cope to avoid our pains, overworking, distraction, even exercising can do this, even though we do need a healthy level of it. But when we overdo something it creates an imbalance. PLUS what I am REALLY coming to understand is: if we are feeling the need to get a rush, or to distract ourselves… maybe there is something we need to look at within.

If you follow my blog or videos on TikTok, you will know that I am constantly self-analyzing myself with the aim to heal and to address my wounds (openly). So often they aren’t visible and we act in ways that leave us hurting and we keep repeating cycles.

In my process of “reparenting” myself. I have to be accountable. I have to tell myself to NOT numb.. and to FEEL. Then to look into what those feelings are, and where are they coming from.

There is this great article on the power of turning inward when life gets hard.. if you want a good read on one of the American presidents and what he did after losing a wife and mother on the same day.

I am currently in this stage of needing to address my pain, as yet again, my relationship failed. Or should I say.. ran its course:-) because I believe “life is always working for you, not against you”

This brings me back to the quote at the top of this blog. So ok.. I have a mother wound. I know I struggle with feeling safe in romantic relationships, because I didn’t have that security as a child, and as much as I work on this.. its a process. AND because of this, I will need a partner that can understand my need, and see where it comes from with love, and if they are the right match it will be their pleasure to offer me that from within them. Oh man… its taken me a LONG time to stop lying to myself about that need! I have tried to stretch and shape into a person that I wasn’t because I was ashamed of this need, I was ashamed of my mother wound. But today I choose to love all of me. And I hope for all of us healing this part of ourselves right now. I hope you can give yourself the same amount of love to yourself, as you would to others.

So today I will see how brave I am being.. and let go of that which no longer serves me.

AS I am setting the precedent for my next partner to know my need, because I know and honor it within myself.

TO anyone reading this.. and if you too are healing this wound.. may we come together,.. and support each other on this journey, because … "pain travels through families until someone is willing to feel it” And if we are here doing the work.. let’s all give ourselves a pat on the back.. and an “I see you” <3 because we deserve that!

And I’ll leave you again with a song.. that feels like the love I want to be in.. clip of those lyrics below..

“That falling in love is a strange work of art

All of your battles will shape who you are

and know that your scars are my favorite part” -Brian Leseney fennel

Adoption and the "VOID" research.

Thank you all whom have shared your stories and resources on the video I posted of my mom speaking up about how she felt being adopted.

I really didn’t know too much about this feeling and I posted it because a young woman I follow spoke up about it and asked if anyone had something similar. I remembered having shot this of my mom, so I mostly did it for her. WOW, i never expected it to get such feedback. It breaks my heart to know so many people have this feeling and so many have been misunderstood about it.

I would LOVE for more awareness to be shared surrounding this… so I am compelling some of the resources shared.

This BOOK seems to capture all the information regarding this wound. The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child", by Nancy Verrier, Amazon link here

This is a BOOK for parenting a teenager who was adopted. “ Parenting in the Eye of the Storm by Katie Naftziger” Amazon link here

Here are a couple of Websites that have a lot of information on this wound. Which is identified as “Relinquish trauma”

https://mariedolfi.com/adoption-resource/relinquishment-trauma-the-forgotten-trauma/

a website that gives “Trauma-Informed Care: Resources and Information” particularly for kids: https://www.theannainstitute.org/TIC-RESOURCES.html

AND a YouTube video on “Adoption and Addiction” by Paul Sunderland. it is about an hr long, but you can change the speed where the setting are:-) Click here

And the biggest takeaway I got from these resources for both the adoptee’s parents and those who were put up for adoption is:

You need to feel the depth of the void, of that feeling, parents need to hold a safe space for the one experiencing it with compassion and understanding. It is NOT a personal attack it is a psychological trauma that needs to be felt as it can be healed.

If a person is an adult now, there is something called “INNER CHILD” work… here is a great article on it. We need to “Re-parent” at times, so if you are an adult with this wound you may need to look into creating a safe space to allow that healing to occur as if you were the parent.

I hope this all helps and if you have more suggestions on resources.. please comment below.

Child of Addict(s): How to begin HEALING

First off, if you are like me you have probably been parenting them your whole life! Now listen to this..

YOU are NOT their PARENT!! and SMILE, because thank got we are not:) NOW lets start living for us, so we can be there for others!!!

Now if again you are like me..I know it is soooooo hard to accept that we can’t fix our parents, well maybe we can help them, but that will be another post. Now remember because were children born into this world with parent(s) with addictions, we probably have a lot of the same ways of coping and being, so HI!!

ALSO if you had to walk away from your parents I’m SURE it is KILLING you, Because I know you SOOOO wanted to stay, but it was probably too much pain. It was probably taking you down. AND if no one ever said this to you.. THAT IS OK!!

I state that the way for ME a way to be friends with my mom, came from healing my own pain. SO LET’S START THERE.

When I was doing all this work with my mom, I had no idea what I was doing, it was all new territory, so I offer you now anything and everything I have learned along the way, to help heal my pain, and I hope there is something for your own process here.

1. “YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PROJECT YOU WILL EVER WORK ON”

   KNOW you are NUMBER ONE, that means if you are not ready to be there with your parent it is ok to disconnect until you feel you are able to, and if that is NEVER that is also ok, we HAVE to be honest with our hearts and understand what we are capable of. This leads me into us understanding BOUNDARIES.

2. BOUNDARIES:

   https://www.instagram.com/boundariesarebeautiful/ is a great page on instagram

   https://www.tiktok.com/@shefasjourney? is a great page on TikTok with lots of tools, plus you can do your own research, enter #boundaries on either platform or google and see if someone resonates better for you.

   This will be your OWN journey of healing, so follow those that speak to your soul and start trusting your intuition.

   As children of addicts were didn’t have good role models on how to take care of our needs, so we will have to learn these things on our own, plus if you have a stable healthy “other” (which can be a family member, friend, etc) that you can watch and model from, do that. I had my second mom and my grandparents as role models for healthy relationships.

3. Start learning about “CODEPENDENCY” it’s not actually what we used to think it was…where we couldn’t be alone. It is so much more diverse than that. It’s how we have been trained as children to survive. We learned that in order to get our basic needs met we had to sacrifice our voices. We need to learn how to undo this… trust me it is a PROCESS I am still single because I haven’t been able to integrate this into my relationships yet. BUT I have learned/learning how important it is to be kind to my own healing process first before trying to put myself in someone else life where I look to them to “fix” me.

   I suggest this book as a starting point… Click here

   Here is the audio version and you have a free trial if you have never used it before.. Click Here

4. You will also need to implement some Self-Soothing techniques to help when the emotions come up.. YOU will know what brings happiness to your heart and remember to do that when things get heavy, you want to make sure you are not staying STUCK in victim mentality, what happened and what you had to endure was NOT ok, but you know that now, so now you are here.. READY and WILLING to heal, so let’s meet here, not in the past.

   I like to be in nature, go to the gym, go dancing, meet with friends and be silly or talk about everything BUT what I’m going through, OR to ONLY talk about what I’m going through. Pet animals, are gifts and bring us comfort. What funny movies, stay away from things that will keep you STUCK in your head and victim mentality. I call this “FILLING your CUP”

5. COMMITMENT TO SELF and your practice of filling your cup:

   Make SMALL plans, and achieve them, small rewards will help boost your confidence, but trying to achieve something you are not capable of will lead you back to beating yourself up, so start small.

   I do 10 mins of meditation a day (sometimes I miss it) but I stay pretty consistent because it shows me I can commit to a practice and we need some sort of routine and stability after growing up not having it.

   I LOVE this 10/12 min meditation on SoundCloud because it reminds me to forgive myself, that’s SELF LOVE and we ALL need lots of that to get through this sometimes harsh world. Click here

   And if you are not on Soundcloud you can find many other good 10 min ones here Click here

6. Inner child healing will be super important to retrain your inner child how to feel safe again. After a lot of trauma, it is hard to show up as an adult for life. That’s why this work is Crucial, and to be honest a bit difficult. I am still constantly catching myself acting from a place of a child. But it is a process. Here is a great couple that teaches you all the ways to start healing this part of yourself. Click here

7. A more progressive way to heal trauma without having to do a lot of work is EMDR. I am not well versed in this but you can google it and find specialists to help facilitate this technique. There is also Somatic healing and other alternative ways to healing Trauma without having to take drugs, which obviously we all want to be free from:)

I’d love to hear your comments on all of this and please share any techniques anyone else has found useful below!:)

AND WELCOME TO THE STOP THE CYCLE COMMUNITY!! We got this, lets keep connecting with one another, and supporting the process!!

PS, if you are battling an addiction yourself, and haven’t gotten clean yet, maybe start implementing some of these healing techniques before you do it, as it will help you along the way of your recovery!!!