Pain As a Teacher

Love & pain, your greatest teachers

I woke up last night at the usual hr of 4am.. when I get flooded with thoughts/insights/processing ETC. I’m actually curious to know if this is the hr that happens for anyone else? (comment below)

So AS I was struggling to sleep, I decided to grab my phone and document in words what I was thinking.. and I came to this..

-The mother wound; can you imagine coming into this world and the one person that is supposed to teach you about love doesn't show you love, or can't show you the love you need as a child, so you spend the rest of your life searching for it. Well… if you're lucky you may come out on the other side realizing that it was all WRONG… YOU are/were always lovable (EVERYONE is) and the only reason your parent couldn’t make you feel that way, was because they were deep in their own wound of not feeling “loveable”. And they may have been trying to escape their own pain of that feeling through rage, drugs, sex, etc which also probably impacted you.

In my last blog, I wrote about how I was able to show the love she lacked from her own mother and give it to her. Because of my own wound, it pushed me to have empathy for other people with pain. I never wanted anyone to feel alone. Including my own mother. Which, yes, can result in codependency if we are not careful.

But also on this journey in my last blog, I wrote about how I wanted a partner that could hold my pain. Today I come to see that I attracted people that couldn't, or wouldn't. Because (I) needed to hold that pain. (I) need to love that part of myself that feels broken, so that I no longer step into a relationship thinking they will (fix) me.. i.e..giving me more love than I give myself.. then I have to ask myself: would I be staying in that relationship if I truly loved myself?

I recently read a statement by a psychologist in the book 'Deeper dating’ about how we will attract people that treat us in a particular way (often painful ways) to show us what needs to be healed.

If we cannot give ourselves those things- sure you may find partner that can help us hold that pain, but they will never fix it (that is only for us). And yes.. true love is a teacher and it beyond powerful; BUT self LOVE. Well that is a whole other level that can show you.. you are actually NEVER without LOVE. That is what I am getting flickers of right now. Seeing how many relationships I drew in, that I gave everything till I had non left for me. And I kept doing it over and over, because I didn’t value what I was giving. I was like her.. let me give you everything and never ask for anything in return, because isn’t that is what I thought love was a child of an addict ( but really it was just a person, that was hurting and numbing).

They say “pain travels through families until someone is willing to feel it”. I felt it. I feel it. And I'm going to give every inch of my love to it. now.

I recently went to Esalen , and through the curiosity of my friend’s 10 yr daughter and my own.. we joined a bathing ritual joining us was also her cutest little 5-year-old son (just o give the full vision), and we were all naked haha (very Esalan, and the first time I have ever been naked in front of strangers during the day). When I stepped into the water there were adults all around holding flowers and slowly releasing them into the middle of the tub; stating the names of the people they lost. I instantly wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because I could feel all their pain, because I knew my own so well. In the ritual, the teacher asked us to hold the flower to our hearts and breathe through the flower to release something. I asked to release my pain and cried.

I used to think that love was the greatest teacher and now I understand that it is ALSO pain. They are parallels to each other. And both are equally beautiful in this game called life. When we stop hating one, when we lean in and let it whisper its secrets to us. Well, that is where the real magic happens. Because as we hopefully know by now.. life is always working “for you, not against you.”

AND just as I was given something to solidify my early morning retrospection.. I randomly selected a podcast to listen to as I walked my dog.. It is Glennon Doyle, on Opera’s super soul Wow, so much goodness in one little 30+ min show! She not only speaks of the honesty in the recovery community ( my people) thanks to my mom for showing me this. She said they were the first “Honest people” she has ever met, and I would have to agree.. its probably why I love so many in recovery and also those still battling the demon.

She also went on towards the end of the show to speak about pain! and it was like she read my mind, which obviously I just tapped into something universal. And she states so many gems… So I will leave you with them.. but please do yourself a favor and give it a listen (link highlighted above)

"Use the pain, to save yourself" -Glennon Doyle

“God gives us love, so it changes us” -Glennon Doyle

“No love is wasted, and love never fails” -Glennon Doyle

She also states… “pain is a teacher… it is the easy ways out..that we should be afraid of” she refers to numbing and addiction. AND can we please ALL be honest here for a moment…. Im sure we have ALL had an addiction of some sort at some point, and no one is better or worse, because of WHAT that addiction was. <3

Addiction and why I picked up my camera

When I first started this film, I thought it would be for kids, like myself, that have been torn away from their parents from drug addiction. Without knowing how I would tell the story, or even what the story would be about, I just started shooting and asking questions. I guess I thought if I could understand my mom's addiction, I could find the answers to my own pain. Skip to 15 years later, I'm still learning and healing, even after she is gone. I don't know if you will ever find all the answers, but maybe life isn’t always about that. Maybe it truly is about the journey, and hopefully, it will lead to a place of more love for oneself and others.

Human pain is all the same, as my mom told me, “ no one’s pain is better or worse than the others.” Through this journey with this film, I learned how to heal my wounds through understanding, compassion, and ultimately forgiveness. I learned that the pain I held inside from my mom’s choices, were choices she made from her own place of pain. It wasn’t about me. It also didn’t mean I had to deny my own feelings in order to understand her why’s, because it still happened to me, and that was real. I’ve learned you can hold compassion for both aspects of pain, and it is necessary to fully heal.

I see the results of addiction on families and it tears my heart apart. I see people living without a soul to call on, alone and feeling unloved. And I’ve seen family members destroyed when their loved ones pass away and they feel like they let them down. So, how can we end these vicious cycles of pain and regret? The only way I know how is to keep the love alive and to keep healing ourselves, so we can be there for those who lost their way to their own self-love.

This journey became not only about making a film but as a tool for my own healing and ultimately becoming a voice for those that have lost theirs. It has transitioned from being only for kids to becoming something for us all. I hope that by sharing our journey there will be lessons along the way that will help others on a similar path. Because all we did was clumsily, determinedly, kept trying to find a way through all the misunderstandings and pain, and we got there in the end. We got to the source of what really mattered and that was love.

Addiction may take lives, but it doesn’t have to take love.

Access my healing tools here

Podcast out now! EP:128 on RFR

Hi all, I have some exciting news to share. I was recently on Recovering from Reality with Alexis Haines. We got to sit down and talk about my upcoming documentary, what it has been like growing up in the home of a person with an addiction, and how we figured out how to STILL build and maintain a healthy relationship.

I look forward to hearing your feedback about the show! Please comment below, and if you want me on your show please contact me, I would LOVE to share our journey more!:-)

Artwork for Ep. 128 Supporting Addicts with Connection Not Control with Tarah Dowling RECOVERING FROM REALITYEp. 128 Supporting Addicts with Connection Not Control with Tarah Dowling 30 00:00:00 / 00:44:55 30 Subscribe to This ShowDownload This EpisodeEmbed This PlayerShare This Episode

TRAUMA

Music is so key in my life, so I am first sharing the song that I am listening to while I start this blog.. its called “veins”

As I sit here in the same spot that only 2 nights ago this very spot was causing me trauma, I reflect on how quickly we can recover once we give ourselves what we need.

2 nights ago I felt scared and alone. My dog was ill again, it’s been almost 3 weeks of constant stress and uncertainty, not quite knowing what is going on in his body.

Its got me on an emotional rollercoaster of feeling like I had to say my goodbyes a few times. I made peace with it, but he didn’t go. Instead, I just had to become a full-time nurse, death seemed almost more desirable. If I am being honest and for me that is the ONLY way I am choosing to be. To face my own realities of what’s going on inside even if it doesn’t sound good. I was in this EXACT same position with my mom, actually my whole life, this constant state of fear. That thought “is she dead?” always ringing through my heart.. There were times I wished to be relieved of that pain and anxiety. AS cruel as that sounds, it is real.

2 years before she died, she was sure it was coming, and like always, I flew home to be with her! I mentally prepared the best I could, to walk on those “flaming coals”. I had told her when her Emphysema was getting REALLY bad that if she chose to overdose that I would not hold it against her. At that time, there was nothing as “assisted passing” for terminally ill people. So here I was by her bedside as she put so much substance in her body, I tried to sleep to pretend I didn’t know what she was doing.. she was so scared and I just wanted her to find her peace, or maybe “I” also wanted my own peace too. At one point, she said she was scared.. so I held her hand and comforted her… telling her “it’s ok”, over and over. She calmed down slowly, and I felt what felt like her “transitioning”. AND I was prepared to let her go. HOWEVER, in came the care worker in her building, she saw my mom look unconscious, so she started clapping her hands and calling her back! I was so pissed as she came back. AND I had to sit with that shame of that thought. AND to have a serious pep talk with myself because that was not OK, or so I thought. My internal dialog saying… “how dare you, how dare you want someone to go for your own peace of mind, How SELFISH can you be!” AND so I was angry at myself.

And I told myself.. “you are not in charge of another person's path in life”. HOWEVER, I never fully addressed my OWN pain, I NEVER comforted the girl that spent her whole life in fear. Who never knew safety. Why couldn’t I give MYSELF the same level of compassion I was able to give to my mother?

1 year later I was called again to be by her side. ALONE. Alone, because she trusted me, she always said, “I just know everything will be ok when you are here.” So as always.. I ran to her “side” and put myself “aside”. I put my own fears aside, my own pain, to be STRONG once AGAIN for her. But It wasn’t fair! I didn’t want to be a savior, I wanted to be ALSO taken care of, and here I was again, JUST giving.

So skip to 2 years later, and I am AGAIN, nursing! did I attract this? How could I have seen that my dog would get sick? AND YES, I guess that is how LIFE works, we will keep having the situation repeat until we get the lesson.

They say TRAUMA affects the body, it HIGHLY affects the immune system (probably why I always got sick as a kid) and It HIGHLY affects the nervous system (why I have anxiety). So WHAT can I learn from this?

I can learn that I don’t need to be ALONE! I don’t need to be STRONG. I don’t need to be SAVIOR. I don’t want this. SO I reached out, I asked for help. I went on TikTok “live”, because I built a community there, for others, but honestly, maybe it was mostly for me. It’s a community I feel safe with because it is people that have been through what I have been through.. most of us, actually probably ALL of us have been traumatized in life, in some way. So I turned to them when I didn’t want to be alone, and I FINALLY admitted that. AND I was held, with such love and compassion. I was free to cry, I was free to express how scared I was, I was FREE to just have “another” there to take care of me. I asked if it was ok I went to sleep while the “live” continued, and I slept for a little bit, I asked people to speak to each other, and they did. And as I opened my eyes, as I went in and out of sleep, they were there.

I watched a video today on why “self-healing” doesn’t work. it’s because we NEED community. If anything Covid has shown us, is the importance of connection. AND my trauma can be reset, the more I give myself what I was lacking, connection. SO THANK YOU!!!! To everyone that supports me, that shows up in so many different ways in my life. THANK YOU!!!

I am writing this as my dog is being taken care of by a friend, a suggestion from another “TikTok” friend. It was EXACTLY what I NEEDED a couple of days off to breathe again, without feeling guilty about needing that. I HOPE one day I will get to meet most of my TikTok family. BECAUSE that’s what we are “FAMILY”

haha and this is the song I end this with.. it just came on.. it’s called.. “Howling around my happy home” that’s what this is.. this “family” is HOME!

Child of Addict(s): How to begin HEALING

First off, if you are like me you have probably been parenting them your whole life! Now listen to this..

YOU are NOT their PARENT!! and SMILE, because thank got we are not:) NOW lets start living for us, so we can be there for others!!!

Now if again you are like me..I know it is soooooo hard to accept that we can’t fix our parents, well maybe we can help them, but that will be another post. Now remember because were children born into this world with parent(s) with addictions, we probably have a lot of the same ways of coping and being, so HI!!

ALSO if you had to walk away from your parents I’m SURE it is KILLING you, Because I know you SOOOO wanted to stay, but it was probably too much pain. It was probably taking you down. AND if no one ever said this to you.. THAT IS OK!!

I state that the way for ME a way to be friends with my mom, came from healing my own pain. SO LET’S START THERE.

When I was doing all this work with my mom, I had no idea what I was doing, it was all new territory, so I offer you now anything and everything I have learned along the way, to help heal my pain, and I hope there is something for your own process here.

1. “YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PROJECT YOU WILL EVER WORK ON”

   KNOW you are NUMBER ONE, that means if you are not ready to be there with your parent it is ok to disconnect until you feel you are able to, and if that is NEVER that is also ok, we HAVE to be honest with our hearts and understand what we are capable of. This leads me into us understanding BOUNDARIES.

2. BOUNDARIES:

   https://www.instagram.com/boundariesarebeautiful/ is a great page on instagram

   https://www.tiktok.com/@shefasjourney? is a great page on TikTok with lots of tools, plus you can do your own research, enter #boundaries on either platform or google and see if someone resonates better for you.

   This will be your OWN journey of healing, so follow those that speak to your soul and start trusting your intuition.

   As children of addicts were didn’t have good role models on how to take care of our needs, so we will have to learn these things on our own, plus if you have a stable healthy “other” (which can be a family member, friend, etc) that you can watch and model from, do that. I had my second mom and my grandparents as role models for healthy relationships.

3. Start learning about “CODEPENDENCY” it’s not actually what we used to think it was…where we couldn’t be alone. It is so much more diverse than that. It’s how we have been trained as children to survive. We learned that in order to get our basic needs met we had to sacrifice our voices. We need to learn how to undo this… trust me it is a PROCESS I am still single because I haven’t been able to integrate this into my relationships yet. BUT I have learned/learning how important it is to be kind to my own healing process first before trying to put myself in someone else life where I look to them to “fix” me.

   I suggest this book as a starting point… Click here

   Here is the audio version and you have a free trial if you have never used it before.. Click Here

4. You will also need to implement some Self-Soothing techniques to help when the emotions come up.. YOU will know what brings happiness to your heart and remember to do that when things get heavy, you want to make sure you are not staying STUCK in victim mentality, what happened and what you had to endure was NOT ok, but you know that now, so now you are here.. READY and WILLING to heal, so let’s meet here, not in the past.

   I like to be in nature, go to the gym, go dancing, meet with friends and be silly or talk about everything BUT what I’m going through, OR to ONLY talk about what I’m going through. Pet animals, are gifts and bring us comfort. What funny movies, stay away from things that will keep you STUCK in your head and victim mentality. I call this “FILLING your CUP”

5. COMMITMENT TO SELF and your practice of filling your cup:

   Make SMALL plans, and achieve them, small rewards will help boost your confidence, but trying to achieve something you are not capable of will lead you back to beating yourself up, so start small.

   I do 10 mins of meditation a day (sometimes I miss it) but I stay pretty consistent because it shows me I can commit to a practice and we need some sort of routine and stability after growing up not having it.

   I LOVE this 10/12 min meditation on SoundCloud because it reminds me to forgive myself, that’s SELF LOVE and we ALL need lots of that to get through this sometimes harsh world. Click here

   And if you are not on Soundcloud you can find many other good 10 min ones here Click here

6. Inner child healing will be super important to retrain your inner child how to feel safe again. After a lot of trauma, it is hard to show up as an adult for life. That’s why this work is Crucial, and to be honest a bit difficult. I am still constantly catching myself acting from a place of a child. But it is a process. Here is a great couple that teaches you all the ways to start healing this part of yourself. Click here

7. A more progressive way to heal trauma without having to do a lot of work is EMDR. I am not well versed in this but you can google it and find specialists to help facilitate this technique. There is also Somatic healing and other alternative ways to healing Trauma without having to take drugs, which obviously we all want to be free from:)

I’d love to hear your comments on all of this and please share any techniques anyone else has found useful below!:)

AND WELCOME TO THE STOP THE CYCLE COMMUNITY!! We got this, lets keep connecting with one another, and supporting the process!!

PS, if you are battling an addiction yourself, and haven’t gotten clean yet, maybe start implementing some of these healing techniques before you do it, as it will help you along the way of your recovery!!!

How did you do it? How did you build a relationship with a person in active addiction?

I get asked this question a lot. So I am going to write out what I just shared today:

For ME it’s always about finding a way IN.. how to connect as a friend, by finding out what shoes they like, or creating them a playlist, connecting over a funny TikTok video.. You have to work to find them inside.. as you might not recognize them anymore… then start asking questions, like (without judgment): “Why do you use?”

Now depending on your relationship that might be way too advanced for where you are with them and their illness. It took me a long time to get to the harder questions with my mom, and some she could never answer because they were too painful.

So try to evaluate your relationship and find the middle ground, find something you feel they will want to answer, it could be even about someone else. Such as, “Were you in love with dad” then LISTEN, you will have to build trust and the only way you will be able to do that is if you prove to them you are NOT judging them for their honesty, EVEN if it hurts, EVEN if it’s not what YOU want to hear.

You have to remember WHY you are there. Hopefully, it is because you want to understand them and you want a relationship. So keep that as your focus and show up as a friend. NOT as a child needing a parent, or a parent needing a child, JUST a friend.

You have to remember this person, might have been deeply wounded, maybe by something you have no idea about. So you need to build their trust that they will not be hurt more. EVEN though it hurts YOU, to see them like that, you are not there for that reason, that will be something you will have to deal with after on your own.

Read what helped me here

I highly recommend creating a practice of self-soothing; meditation, funny movies, walks in nature, playing with animals, being around supportive friends, reading a book, taking a bath, dancing. WHATEVER it is that brings a little comfort to you. DO that when it gets too heavy, and remember you do NOT want their demons to take you under, so it is YOUR responsibility to separate yourself from their pain. And however, long it takes you to recover, that is ok, and if it’s never, that is also ok. ONLY you will know what you CAN and CAN NOT handle, that is why BOUNDARIES will be key. Google or use #boundaries on TikTok to learn more.

Now if you want a way to understand their addiction, I will use this reference. You know the movie “lord of the rings” and you know Gollum feels about the ring.. well this is how an addict with the disease feels about their addiction in active addiction before getting help. Now REMEMBER you CANNOT make anyone chose to get help, you can’t guilt-trip them, or physically force them (well maybe, but I don’t know the legality of that one:-)

So keep returning to WHY you are there.

Now if they sense in the SLIGHTEST that you are going to take the “ring” (their addiction) away from them (including guilt trip), they may lie, steal, hurt you, etc. SOOOOOO this is VERY important. YOU NEED TO COME TO TERMS WITH THE FACT THEY MAY NEVER get better. I’m not saying that they won’t, BUT that is not going to be up to you. And you have to allow them to want to make that choice on their own and do try to find a way to express how their addiction is affecting you in a gentle way that they can understand, but since they are in the addiction they might not be able to hear it, and they may have too much guilt to be able to hear it.

So now once you’ve come to terms, I mean REALLY come to terms with that and believe me it took me SOOOOOO long to get there, I didn’t want to give up on her getting better, but eventually, I saw that pressure wasn’t helping. NOW yes, some say tough love is the answer and people have to hit rock bottom and you are ONLY enabling them if you don’t let them get there. But if for someone like my mom after YEARS of her trying to get better, and US being separated because she wasn’t I decided to try a new way. I am not god and I don’t know the outcome of people’s lives, but neither do you. It’s THEIR LIFE.

And again, what we are trying to achieve is a relationship with them, meeting them… where they are at.

If it’s too PAINFUL for you to accept that, or you just don’t want to, that is ok too. AGAIN I am not in your shoes or god. But this is how I did it:-)

I wished, oh man did I ever wish, and still to this day, I wish I knew what it was like to have a mom I could travel with, that I could have shown her my amazing life, outside of her impoverished rooms in the DTES of Vancouver. But that was not the life I was dealt with nor her, but instead, I got a mom that was deeply wounded, and incredibly giving in her own way, funny as fu*k, and just HER.

So I hope you get to just know the person you love for today, and I PRAY every moment of every day, that they will find a way from the grips of addiction and will begin to get the healing they deserve. But that is ALL we can do, PRAY, LOVE, and SHOW UP (however that might be).

Love you all, and I am SOOOOO sorry addiction has brought us together because I know the pain in your heart and I would NEVER wish it on another, but it is here to teach us something, and I HOPE that is how to unconditionally love (with boundaries).

PS. PLEASE spend the time to google and research the disease of addiction. Watch videos by Gabor Mate on youtube, EDUCATE yourself, LEARN about TRAUMA and how it affects people, and how to love and support someone with it. AND if you can find it within your heart to help others, PLEASE share your story! So many children are alone in their pain because no one wants to talk about ADDICTION, so they try their best to deal with their pain on their own, without any tools, and for most (not all)… they give up and take the path of their parent(s). WE as a COMMUNITY (which we are now. if you’ve got a shared experience of having addiction in your life). are RESPONSIBLE for these children whether they are yours or not.

AND... If you want a One on One with me book a session here