Smiling through the tears

I have never known a life without pain, actually, neither have you, we are born into this world streaming our mothers are screaming. Pain is a part of life and depending on how you see it is how you accept it. For me it’s taken me so long to value my pain, like my mom, I pushed it away, “avoided and distracted”. Many addicts do this with drugs, non-addicts find other means to do this.

But what I have come to know.. if my pain is a testament to my love. How deep the pain is, is how deep the love is. As that just hit so hard in the heart right now, as I am going through one of the most painful experiences in my life.

I’ve had animals in my life all throughout my life. I've foster and have been able to let them go to other homes because I knew I wasn’t ready for them. Meatloaf (my dog) was different. within minutes of meeting him, he claimed me. It took me a sec to give that back, I had to get past all the hair, the endless amounts of walks, and really just to see past my own selfishness to see what was on the other side. I guess it’s similar to unconditional love, the love I shared with my mom. It took us SO long to find a way there, but we achieved it. For us, it was about getting past our own pain to see the other for who they were. RIGHT there at THAT moment, we HAD each other. So often we forget how precious THAT is, till it is gone. We forget that even though THAT person, situation, thing, animal.. isn’t how WE imagined it to be.. IT is a gift.

This past year has been such a gift. To see you embrace life, to know you were rescued from a meat market in China and brought all the way here, and to see YOU (Meatloaf) so grateful for every moment. You were NEVER mean to anything. YOU were beyond excited for every new day, even though you LOVED to sleep in, you loved when I would finally wake you up with a “good morning”. It was like an “I love you” but you liked it better so I would say it to you instead of “I love you”, it was “ours”.

You taught me so much about myself, you showed me the way I show up for life and for others. I watched “golden compass “ with you and YOU were 100% my extension. I LOVED to watch you with others, I never felt jealous of the love you gave others, even though I could see you look back at me with eyes to check. You taught me of real love, love that is endless and all giving, a love that has no lack. You reminded me; this exists in the world, and to believe in it again. But to first give it to myself.

You held me every night, were there when I lost my grandma, were there while I came to finally heal these deeper wounds within.

YOU were a gift and a reminder to never take a gift for granted.

I am writing this while you are fighting for your life, and no matter what YOU choose to do, stay or go, you will forever have the home I promised in me. YOU will always have my heart. I LOVE you. “GOOD MORNING”

update: 3/30/20

So he is out of the hospital, he had every type of blood test, x-ray, ultrasound, and even surgery. The issue has never been fully understood. I took him home with the risk he would still not make it, but not really having many other options.

it’s over a week since he’s been back and he still throws up every 3 days, sometimes for a solid 12 hrs, others just a few times. I have him on a super strict diet of chicken and rice with carrots and potatoes. He is passing it, but not very well. Its been beyond taxing on me, plus the threats of Mexico.. the parasites, and “distemper” which is rampant on the streets and almost always kills the dog within 48 hrs + it SUPER contagious. He can not have the vaccine because of his health, so I have to watch him like a crazy person to make sure he doesn’t interact with other dogs or smell their droppings, or that he doesn’t eat anything that can get lodged in his intestines.

I KNOW I am strong, but it’s been too hard on me and I finally broke yesterday and asked a friend to take him whom I trust and has a backyard. So my nervous system can have a break. So that’s where we are. We are still planning to leave Mexico in a week. Fingers crossed this all resolves, Vet bills are crazy in the US, so I am nervous, but I have to trust everything will be ok.

Oh LIFE so much about trust, I didn’t even see this coming and it defiantly knocked me off my feet and reminded me about the importance of grounding. SO I AM practicing that. It has also brought up others introspections on TRAUMA which I am writing about in the new blog called “TRAUMA”.

Are you in the GRIEVING process?

JUST before my mom passed away I knew it was coming. I randomly met a person that was going through a similar experience and he shared this from Ram Dass, it really helped me so I share it with you, maybe it will help you too.

"Death is our greatest challenge as well as our greatest spiritual opportunity. By cultivating mindfulness, we can prepare ourselves for this final passage by allowing nature, rather than Ego, to guide us."
- Ram Dass

Click Here

He also has many great books on this subject.

Another POWERFUL speaker in this area is Tara Brach click here

According to https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief#denial Click to read more in detail.

The five stages of grief are:

• denial

• anger

• bargaining

• depression

• acceptance

I Hope these two talks allow you to find a bit more peace in your grieving process and please know. You NEED to let it out, so if you find yourself like me, in a line at a grocery store when the tears start streaming.. Just let them. No one knows what you are going through and you don’t need to hide it for anyone else's sake.

Sending so much love to all your hearts,

Tarah

What I've come to know about death.

I was one of those lucky people that never had anyone close to me pass away till my late 30’s. After my mom just over a year ago, I said, “I’m glad it was her,” that one of the most significant relationships in my life was given this place. She got to be my first taste of death.

The thing with death, at least to me is it is different than loss. Heartbreak over someone leaving me has been harder than death because I knew that I would probably never get back to the love we once shared. Death to me feels like a moment in time is forever captured. Knowing that the love you had at the moment they passed will always stay that way. To me, that is the blessing of death.

I was also lucky because both people I DEEPLY loved (now my Grandma), got to be free from their suffering. Death and change are the only constant things in life, we will all experience it. So in some way that is beautiful. To know we all feel the same pains, the same fears, and the same excitements. It allows us, at that moment, to feel like one.

So here is my love letter to you Grandma,

Thank you, thank you for sending us those checks every bday and holiday. When I was younger I didn’t know you did that so you would know we were alive when we cashed them. Mom implanted some not so great stuff about you, and as kids, we didn’t know better to make our own opinions of you. I’m thankful I gave you the chance to make my own opinion when I was old enough.

I am thankful I got to know your spirit, that I got to take you to a gay run restaurant that verbally abuses you, I thought it would be funny, boy did you surprise them when you gave their lip right back to them:-) I’m thankful I got to be the person that brought you to your last visit with your daughter, my mom. I’m thankful that my love for you both allowed you to slowly start to mend your relationship with each other. I’m thankful to see that you were one of the few people my mom talked to the most towards the end of her life. I’m thankful that I got to witness true healing. I got to see all the pain and misunderstanding between you too, come back to love.

I’m thankful that in some way I got to play out the role of a daughter for you. My mom was so immersed in her addiction that she wasn’t able to see what she stripped you of. You told me one visit, “no one ever thought about what I wanted from my daughter, someone to travel with, to share normal Mother-daughter things with.” I’m thankful I got to travel with you. For your 90’s birthday, we went to visit this whole other side of my family, on the east side of Canada. I had never met them and I got to see how much they all loved you. I got to witness that and to feel even more honored to be your granddaughter.

Thank you for being my #1 supporter. I have many, but your support was different. You made me demand things from life. When my ex took back the motorcycle he gave me, you said, “don’t give it back.” I laughed at this because this is not how the law works. It was never put under my name, so I had too, but I didn’t tell you for a while because I knew it would make you upset, but I know you were proud of me when I bought my own:-)

I’m glad I was the person that got to be there when you lost your second husband. I got to see you so angry, and anger that scared me. I was too young then to know, that anger was the pain of your loss. It was your love.

But truly grandma, I want to thank you for believing in me. And for giving me the best compliment a person can get, “you give me bragging rights.” You told me this 6 days before you passed. Thank you for loving me the way you do, and thank you for being the person you were, so I could love you the way that I do.

Love your granddaughter,

Tarah

I know that I now have another guardian angle looking out for me, i’ll be sure to take you and mom on a hell of a ride. Trust me. Life has so much in store for me, I’m happy to know you’ll be along for this ride, just without the vehicle.