Love & pain, your greatest teachers
I woke up last night at the usual hr of 4am.. when I get flooded with thoughts/insights/processing ETC. I’m actually curious to know if this is the hr that happens for anyone else? (comment below)
So AS I was struggling to sleep, I decided to grab my phone and document in words what I was thinking.. and I came to this..
-The mother wound; can you imagine coming into this world and the one person that is supposed to teach you about love doesn't show you love, or can't show you the love you need as a child, so you spend the rest of your life searching for it. Well… if you're lucky you may come out on the other side realizing that it was all WRONG… YOU are/were always lovable (EVERYONE is) and the only reason your parent couldn’t make you feel that way, was because they were deep in their own wound of not feeling “loveable”. And they may have been trying to escape their own pain of that feeling through rage, drugs, sex, etc which also probably impacted you.
In my last blog, I wrote about how I was able to show the love she lacked from her own mother and give it to her. Because of my own wound, it pushed me to have empathy for other people with pain. I never wanted anyone to feel alone. Including my own mother. Which, yes, can result in codependency if we are not careful.
But also on this journey in my last blog, I wrote about how I wanted a partner that could hold my pain. Today I come to see that I attracted people that couldn't, or wouldn't. Because (I) needed to hold that pain. (I) need to love that part of myself that feels broken, so that I no longer step into a relationship thinking they will (fix) me.. i.e..giving me more love than I give myself.. then I have to ask myself: would I be staying in that relationship if I truly loved myself?
I recently read a statement by a psychologist in the book 'Deeper dating’ about how we will attract people that treat us in a particular way (often painful ways) to show us what needs to be healed.
If we cannot give ourselves those things- sure you may find partner that can help us hold that pain, but they will never fix it (that is only for us). And yes.. true love is a teacher and it beyond powerful; BUT self LOVE. Well that is a whole other level that can show you.. you are actually NEVER without LOVE. That is what I am getting flickers of right now. Seeing how many relationships I drew in, that I gave everything till I had non left for me. And I kept doing it over and over, because I didn’t value what I was giving. I was like her.. let me give you everything and never ask for anything in return, because isn’t that is what I thought love was a child of an addict ( but really it was just a person, that was hurting and numbing).
They say “pain travels through families until someone is willing to feel it”. I felt it. I feel it. And I'm going to give every inch of my love to it. now.
I recently went to Esalen , and through the curiosity of my friend’s 10 yr daughter and my own.. we joined a bathing ritual joining us was also her cutest little 5-year-old son (just o give the full vision), and we were all naked haha (very Esalan, and the first time I have ever been naked in front of strangers during the day). When I stepped into the water there were adults all around holding flowers and slowly releasing them into the middle of the tub; stating the names of the people they lost. I instantly wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because I could feel all their pain, because I knew my own so well. In the ritual, the teacher asked us to hold the flower to our hearts and breathe through the flower to release something. I asked to release my pain and cried.
I used to think that love was the greatest teacher and now I understand that it is ALSO pain. They are parallels to each other. And both are equally beautiful in this game called life. When we stop hating one, when we lean in and let it whisper its secrets to us. Well, that is where the real magic happens. Because as we hopefully know by now.. life is always working “for you, not against you.”
AND just as I was given something to solidify my early morning retrospection.. I randomly selected a podcast to listen to as I walked my dog.. It is Glennon Doyle, on Opera’s super soul Wow, so much goodness in one little 30+ min show! She not only speaks of the honesty in the recovery community ( my people) thanks to my mom for showing me this. She said they were the first “Honest people” she has ever met, and I would have to agree.. its probably why I love so many in recovery and also those still battling the demon.
She also went on towards the end of the show to speak about pain! and it was like she read my mind, which obviously I just tapped into something universal. And she states so many gems… So I will leave you with them.. but please do yourself a favor and give it a listen (link highlighted above)
"Use the pain, to save yourself" -Glennon Doyle“God gives us love, so it changes us” -Glennon Doyle
“No love is wasted, and love never fails” -Glennon Doyle
She also states… “pain is a teacher… it is the easy ways out..that we should be afraid of” she refers to numbing and addiction. AND can we please ALL be honest here for a moment…. Im sure we have ALL had an addiction of some sort at some point, and no one is better or worse, because of WHAT that addiction was. <3