Pain As a Teacher

Love & pain, your greatest teachers

I woke up last night at the usual hr of 4am.. when I get flooded with thoughts/insights/processing ETC. I’m actually curious to know if this is the hr that happens for anyone else? (comment below)

So AS I was struggling to sleep, I decided to grab my phone and document in words what I was thinking.. and I came to this..

-The mother wound; can you imagine coming into this world and the one person that is supposed to teach you about love doesn't show you love, or can't show you the love you need as a child, so you spend the rest of your life searching for it. Well… if you're lucky you may come out on the other side realizing that it was all WRONG… YOU are/were always lovable (EVERYONE is) and the only reason your parent couldn’t make you feel that way, was because they were deep in their own wound of not feeling “loveable”. And they may have been trying to escape their own pain of that feeling through rage, drugs, sex, etc which also probably impacted you.

In my last blog, I wrote about how I was able to show the love she lacked from her own mother and give it to her. Because of my own wound, it pushed me to have empathy for other people with pain. I never wanted anyone to feel alone. Including my own mother. Which, yes, can result in codependency if we are not careful.

But also on this journey in my last blog, I wrote about how I wanted a partner that could hold my pain. Today I come to see that I attracted people that couldn't, or wouldn't. Because (I) needed to hold that pain. (I) need to love that part of myself that feels broken, so that I no longer step into a relationship thinking they will (fix) me.. i.e..giving me more love than I give myself.. then I have to ask myself: would I be staying in that relationship if I truly loved myself?

I recently read a statement by a psychologist in the book 'Deeper dating’ about how we will attract people that treat us in a particular way (often painful ways) to show us what needs to be healed.

If we cannot give ourselves those things- sure you may find partner that can help us hold that pain, but they will never fix it (that is only for us). And yes.. true love is a teacher and it beyond powerful; BUT self LOVE. Well that is a whole other level that can show you.. you are actually NEVER without LOVE. That is what I am getting flickers of right now. Seeing how many relationships I drew in, that I gave everything till I had non left for me. And I kept doing it over and over, because I didn’t value what I was giving. I was like her.. let me give you everything and never ask for anything in return, because isn’t that is what I thought love was a child of an addict ( but really it was just a person, that was hurting and numbing).

They say “pain travels through families until someone is willing to feel it”. I felt it. I feel it. And I'm going to give every inch of my love to it. now.

I recently went to Esalen , and through the curiosity of my friend’s 10 yr daughter and my own.. we joined a bathing ritual joining us was also her cutest little 5-year-old son (just o give the full vision), and we were all naked haha (very Esalan, and the first time I have ever been naked in front of strangers during the day). When I stepped into the water there were adults all around holding flowers and slowly releasing them into the middle of the tub; stating the names of the people they lost. I instantly wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because I could feel all their pain, because I knew my own so well. In the ritual, the teacher asked us to hold the flower to our hearts and breathe through the flower to release something. I asked to release my pain and cried.

I used to think that love was the greatest teacher and now I understand that it is ALSO pain. They are parallels to each other. And both are equally beautiful in this game called life. When we stop hating one, when we lean in and let it whisper its secrets to us. Well, that is where the real magic happens. Because as we hopefully know by now.. life is always working “for you, not against you.”

AND just as I was given something to solidify my early morning retrospection.. I randomly selected a podcast to listen to as I walked my dog.. It is Glennon Doyle, on Opera’s super soul Wow, so much goodness in one little 30+ min show! She not only speaks of the honesty in the recovery community ( my people) thanks to my mom for showing me this. She said they were the first “Honest people” she has ever met, and I would have to agree.. its probably why I love so many in recovery and also those still battling the demon.

She also went on towards the end of the show to speak about pain! and it was like she read my mind, which obviously I just tapped into something universal. And she states so many gems… So I will leave you with them.. but please do yourself a favor and give it a listen (link highlighted above)

"Use the pain, to save yourself" -Glennon Doyle

“God gives us love, so it changes us” -Glennon Doyle

“No love is wasted, and love never fails” -Glennon Doyle

She also states… “pain is a teacher… it is the easy ways out..that we should be afraid of” she refers to numbing and addiction. AND can we please ALL be honest here for a moment…. Im sure we have ALL had an addiction of some sort at some point, and no one is better or worse, because of WHAT that addiction was. <3

A forever home

As I sit there writing the words “let me know what time you plan to grab him, so should I have all his stuff ready” I Feel a pain in my heart, a remembering, of these words, of this moment. Except before, I was the foster child being passed around.

I started fostering a dog, he came in afraid, but curious. A feeling I knew too well, so it was natural we instantly bonded. One week in, I was given the disheartening call that the organization had found a home for (Meatloaf). I surely didn’t expect to have this happen so quickly, let alone feel this way. I had fostered a few dogs in the past and I could always let them go because I was living in Bali and I wasn’t sure how long I would be there. However, this time it felt different. I felt a deep connection to this animal, somewhat like a soul connection. But I was too late. I had never felt confident enough to take care of another’s complete needs outside of my own. So I was left with the reality that I would be giving this animal up to who knows who. Would they know he gets anxiety sometimes and needs to be sat with and consoled? Would they see when his little heart is beating fast and it being a signal to give him your attention? Would they know that he listens well and wants to please, but doesn’t like to be yelled at? Would they give him the love he needs?

But these were question I wouldn’t get answers to, I was just a temporary home.

So off he went. again holding back the tears, I stated over and over, “if they don’t want him, for any reason I will take him, please let them know this.”

And inside I went, where I let it all out. All the pain of myself being passed around from home to home. All the situations where people signed up to be “parents” only to treat me like I was an animal myself. Calling me names, being abusive, and sometimes sexual towards. This is what foster care provides, a roof over your head but no safety, no real love. For most, it was just about the paycheck.

As I sat in the room crying for myself. I realized the gift this little animal had brought to me was an opportunity to heal. To reflect back on some very painful experiences and to weep. Sometimes the hardest part in healing is allowing yourself to grieve. To acknowledge that there were things that should never have happened to you. And to let yourself feel the pain for what happened, then self soothe. And hopefully, find compassion for the ones that did it to you, and let it go.

As I was deep in tears, my phone started ringing. I was told to come outside. that Meatloaf was mine. I couldn’t believe it. He came right back! I was told he was crying in the car and they realized we were bonded and they didn’t want to break that. Ahhh…. how good that felt, to know as scared as I was to commit to taking care of another life, that I was given this opportunity. So I made a promise to him then, I would take care of him, no matter what. That I was his new mom, and he has a forever home with me.

There is always something to be grateful for, and today it is for my new life as a mom, thank you Meatloaf for trusting me to take care of you. I know we will do great things in this life together because all great things start from a place of love.

Can you be too strong?

It has been just over a month since my mom passed and I am only starting to feel like my healing process is beginning. I was worried when she first passed and after a week I didn’t seem to be in deep mourning. However, I guess we all process things differently and I did have a whole lifetime of preparation for this. I used to mourn her death every time we didn’t hear from her months on end as she was off getting high with her friends. However, this past year she really became my best friend, and as much as one can do for another, I did it for her. So maybe it was a bit of a lack of regret that eased my suffering. Then my friend the other day beautifully said.. “maybe it is her, may she doesn’t want you to be sad anymore because of her” I like this one the best and am sticking with it:)

However, since she passed waves of a different sort have been coming in. I think this is the part where you realized you are truly separated from your parents. My mom and I used to joke all the time because I was defiantly the parent in our relationship. She even said, “wouldn’t it be great if I came back as your child” haha… not funny mom! I replied with, “id rather us be sisters or something in another lifetime, mom, you’re a lot to deal with hahaha.” But this idea of the parent and child dynamic has always played a huge role in our relationship. From the earliest time, I can remember I have to start taking care of my own needs, which included safety. It really does a number on you when at such an early age your basic need for safety isn’t met. There are tons of books on how we behave like humans when those basic needs aren’t met (in case you’re interested). So yea, this started popping its head into my present life, and then came the abandonment issues. Man oh man, thanks to parents for the awesome luggage!! ;-)

But the one that came yesterday was the winner. It was me, as a child in the hospital with her just recently, like so many moments in my life. “Being the strong one”. So can you be too strong? For me, the answer is yes. If being strong means you have to hide your fears, your pain, and your vulnerabilities, then yes. Because those are the very things that make us human. Yes, sure there may be times when we have to put them aside, but they usually find a way to come back up, in some other way. “Feelings” like to be addressed; they like to be seen, acknowledged, and they want to be loved. They are actually there as a guidance tool.. but that’s another post.

My mourning this week was for that little girl, that time after time, had to put on a brave face. in fact, perhaps it was for every child that has to to do this. My second mom is the best because she only ever sees that little girl in me, and it breaks her heart time and time again when she sees her not being taken care of. Thankfully I get to see through her eyes sometimes and get reminded I need to take care of that little girl inside.

If we don’t have that person to show us how important that little person is inside, may we find it ourselves? Because it probably needs a pretty big hug right about now.

Now that this dynamic has completed with my mom, I suppose this new era is the union of mother and child within.

A new chapter to embark on, and another… “ to be continued. “

Family.

My mom, her old boyfriend, and me.

As this is my first blog for the film why not start it off with a conversation about family, as that is what this whole film is geared towards. Ah family. It’s amazing how that one little word can give people such different feelings. Some might cringe at the word, others rejoice, but no matter how different it makes us feel the one thing that is the same.. is that all have one, or had one.

I just came back from visiting my mom. This visit was extra special because I was able to organize a meeting with all my brothers, their partners, and my mom. It's only the second time in our lives that we have all been in a room together. It's funny how during Christmas most people are so stressed out thinking about the presents to buy each other, that they forget it is a present, itself, just the opportunity to be together. A lot of families don’t live in the same city, have life responsibilities, or health issues that keep them away. So yes, sometimes just showing up is huge on its own! Anyway, this little gesture of us all just showing up brought tears to my mom’s eyes. It also brought tears to the staff where my mom lives, as that Christmas day no other women living on my moms floor had a visitor. It was so sad, I wished I could go hug them all and give them all presents, but I was there for another reason…to be with my family. As dysfunctional as it has been, it is MY family.

I remarked to my mom after the visit about a thought I had a little while ago, after paying a visit to my grandparents. As usual meals are a big thing when I visit them. We talk about it that day, and then usually buy the ingredients, plus the cooking, so it takes up a large part of the day. My grandfather loves to cook, so it's usually some nicely planned meal and lucky for us.. he's a good cook! What’s so special about these meals is that they are buddhist and we do a buddhist prayer before every meal. I love that about them, that they hold love and compassion for all beings. After our prayers, we continue on with great conversations which usually involve; talking about my mom’s drug use or her health issues, possibly something about my uncles drinking problem or lack of work, the daily struggles in my own life, mixed in with talks about the neighbors or their garden. After leaving last time I thought about how easy and flowing our conversations are. We aren’t holding onto anger or disappointment for how things are, we are just living through them…AS they are. On the outside our little reunion looks like a cookie cutter version of “seeing the grandparents” as we sit within their put together modest home with our tea and biscuits, yet within those walls has been so much heartbreak, but thats life… and FAMILY!

So I mentioned this to my mom, the fact that we have all somehow have managed to accept each other, to get past our differences, the need for control, or to change one another. She smiled, remarked on some of those drastic things that set us apart and as the conversation ended so did the thought.

Family.. it's just one little word, but it's what we put into, that makes it what it is. 🖤

And so it begins...

A lot of the time I don’t capture the special moments that are shared off camera. So my aim is to share some of those moments with you here. I hope you enjoy them, and please leave a comment if inspired. I love connecting!