As I sit there writing the words “let me know what time you plan to grab him, so should I have all his stuff ready” I Feel a pain in my heart, a remembering, of these words, of this moment. Except before, I was the foster child being passed around.
I started fostering a dog, he came in afraid, but curious. A feeling I knew too well, so it was natural we instantly bonded. One week in, I was given the disheartening call that the organization had found a home for (Meatloaf). I surely didn’t expect to have this happen so quickly, let alone feel this way. I had fostered a few dogs in the past and I could always let them go because I was living in Bali and I wasn’t sure how long I would be there. However, this time it felt different. I felt a deep connection to this animal, somewhat like a soul connection. But I was too late. I had never felt confident enough to take care of another’s complete needs outside of my own. So I was left with the reality that I would be giving this animal up to who knows who. Would they know he gets anxiety sometimes and needs to be sat with and consoled? Would they see when his little heart is beating fast and it being a signal to give him your attention? Would they know that he listens well and wants to please, but doesn’t like to be yelled at? Would they give him the love he needs?
But these were question I wouldn’t get answers to, I was just a temporary home.
So off he went. again holding back the tears, I stated over and over, “if they don’t want him, for any reason I will take him, please let them know this.”
And inside I went, where I let it all out. All the pain of myself being passed around from home to home. All the situations where people signed up to be “parents” only to treat me like I was an animal myself. Calling me names, being abusive, and sometimes sexual towards. This is what foster care provides, a roof over your head but no safety, no real love. For most, it was just about the paycheck.
As I sat in the room crying for myself. I realized the gift this little animal had brought to me was an opportunity to heal. To reflect back on some very painful experiences and to weep. Sometimes the hardest part in healing is allowing yourself to grieve. To acknowledge that there were things that should never have happened to you. And to let yourself feel the pain for what happened, then self soothe. And hopefully, find compassion for the ones that did it to you, and let it go.
As I was deep in tears, my phone started ringing. I was told to come outside. that Meatloaf was mine. I couldn’t believe it. He came right back! I was told he was crying in the car and they realized we were bonded and they didn’t want to break that. Ahhh…. how good that felt, to know as scared as I was to commit to taking care of another life, that I was given this opportunity. So I made a promise to him then, I would take care of him, no matter what. That I was his new mom, and he has a forever home with me.
There is always something to be grateful for, and today it is for my new life as a mom, thank you Meatloaf for trusting me to take care of you. I know we will do great things in this life together because all great things start from a place of love.
