It has been just over a month since my mom passed and I am only starting to feel like my healing process is beginning. I was worried when she first passed and after a week I didn’t seem to be in deep mourning. However, I guess we all process things differently and I did have a whole lifetime of preparation for this. I used to mourn her death every time we didn’t hear from her months on end as she was off getting high with her friends. However, this past year she really became my best friend, and as much as one can do for another, I did it for her. So maybe it was a bit of a lack of regret that eased my suffering. Then my friend the other day beautifully said.. “maybe it is her, may she doesn’t want you to be sad anymore because of her” I like this one the best and am sticking with it:)
However, since she passed waves of a different sort have been coming in. I think this is the part where you realized you are truly separated from your parents. My mom and I used to joke all the time because I was defiantly the parent in our relationship. She even said, “wouldn’t it be great if I came back as your child” haha… not funny mom! I replied with, “id rather us be sisters or something in another lifetime, mom, you’re a lot to deal with hahaha.” But this idea of the parent and child dynamic has always played a huge role in our relationship. From the earliest time, I can remember I have to start taking care of my own needs, which included safety. It really does a number on you when at such an early age your basic need for safety isn’t met. There are tons of books on how we behave like humans when those basic needs aren’t met (in case you’re interested). So yea, this started popping its head into my present life, and then came the abandonment issues. Man oh man, thanks to parents for the awesome luggage!! ;-)
But the one that came yesterday was the winner. It was me, as a child in the hospital with her just recently, like so many moments in my life. “Being the strong one”. So can you be too strong? For me, the answer is yes. If being strong means you have to hide your fears, your pain, and your vulnerabilities, then yes. Because those are the very things that make us human. Yes, sure there may be times when we have to put them aside, but they usually find a way to come back up, in some other way. “Feelings” like to be addressed; they like to be seen, acknowledged, and they want to be loved. They are actually there as a guidance tool.. but that’s another post.
My mourning this week was for that little girl, that time after time, had to put on a brave face. in fact, perhaps it was for every child that has to to do this. My second mom is the best because she only ever sees that little girl in me, and it breaks her heart time and time again when she sees her not being taken care of. Thankfully I get to see through her eyes sometimes and get reminded I need to take care of that little girl inside.
If we don’t have that person to show us how important that little person is inside, may we find it ourselves? Because it probably needs a pretty big hug right about now.
Now that this dynamic has completed with my mom, I suppose this new era is the union of mother and child within.
A new chapter to embark on, and another… “ to be continued. “