Hi all, I have some exciting news to share. I was recently on Recovering from Reality with Alexis Haines. We got to sit down and talk about my upcoming documentary, what it has been like growing up in the home of a person with an addiction, and how we figured out how to STILL build and maintain a healthy relationship.
I look forward to hearing your feedback about the show! Please comment below, and if you want me on your show please contact me, I would LOVE to share our journey more!:-)
It has been just over a month since my mom passed and I am only starting to feel like my healing process is beginning. I was worried when she first passed and after a week I didn’t seem to be in deep mourning. However, I guess we all process things differently and I did have a whole lifetime of preparation for this. I used to mourn her death every time we didn’t hear from her months on end as she was off getting high with her friends. However, this past year she really became my best friend, and as much as one can do for another, I did it for her. So maybe it was a bit of a lack of regret that eased my suffering. Then my friend the other day beautifully said.. “maybe it is her, may she doesn’t want you to be sad anymore because of her” I like this one the best and am sticking with it:)
However, since she passed waves of a different sort have been coming in. I think this is the part where you realized you are truly separated from your parents. My mom and I used to joke all the time because I was defiantly the parent in our relationship. She even said, “wouldn’t it be great if I came back as your child” haha… not funny mom! I replied with, “id rather us be sisters or something in another lifetime, mom, you’re a lot to deal with hahaha.” But this idea of the parent and child dynamic has always played a huge role in our relationship. From the earliest time, I can remember I have to start taking care of my own needs, which included safety. It really does a number on you when at such an early age your basic need for safety isn’t met. There are tons of books on how we behave like humans when those basic needs aren’t met (in case you’re interested). So yea, this started popping its head into my present life, and then came the abandonment issues. Man oh man, thanks to parents for the awesome luggage!! ;-)
But the one that came yesterday was the winner. It was me, as a child in the hospital with her just recently, like so many moments in my life. “Being the strong one”. So can you be too strong? For me, the answer is yes. If being strong means you have to hide your fears, your pain, and your vulnerabilities, then yes. Because those are the very things that make us human. Yes, sure there may be times when we have to put them aside, but they usually find a way to come back up, in some other way. “Feelings” like to be addressed; they like to be seen, acknowledged, and they want to be loved. They are actually there as a guidance tool.. but that’s another post.
My mourning this week was for that little girl, that time after time, had to put on a brave face. in fact, perhaps it was for every child that has to to do this. My second mom is the best because she only ever sees that little girl in me, and it breaks her heart time and time again when she sees her not being taken care of. Thankfully I get to see through her eyes sometimes and get reminded I need to take care of that little girl inside.
If we don’t have that person to show us how important that little person is inside, may we find it ourselves? Because it probably needs a pretty big hug right about now.
Now that this dynamic has completed with my mom, I suppose this new era is the union of mother and child within.
A new chapter to embark on, and another… “ to be continued. “
My mom, her old boyfriend, and me.
As this is my first blog for the film why not start it off with a conversation about family, as that is what this whole film is geared towards. Ah family. It’s amazing how that one little word can give people such different feelings. Some might cringe at the word, others rejoice, but no matter how different it makes us feel the one thing that is the same.. is that all have one, or had one.
I just came back from visiting my mom. This visit was extra special because I was able to organize a meeting with all my brothers, their partners, and my mom. It's only the second time in our lives that we have all been in a room together. It's funny how during Christmas most people are so stressed out thinking about the presents to buy each other, that they forget it is a present, itself, just the opportunity to be together. A lot of families don’t live in the same city, have life responsibilities, or health issues that keep them away. So yes, sometimes just showing up is huge on its own! Anyway, this little gesture of us all just showing up brought tears to my mom’s eyes. It also brought tears to the staff where my mom lives, as that Christmas day no other women living on my moms floor had a visitor. It was so sad, I wished I could go hug them all and give them all presents, but I was there for another reason…to be with my family. As dysfunctional as it has been, it is MY family.
I remarked to my mom after the visit about a thought I had a little while ago, after paying a visit to my grandparents. As usual meals are a big thing when I visit them. We talk about it that day, and then usually buy the ingredients, plus the cooking, so it takes up a large part of the day. My grandfather loves to cook, so it's usually some nicely planned meal and lucky for us.. he's a good cook! What’s so special about these meals is that they are buddhist and we do a buddhist prayer before every meal. I love that about them, that they hold love and compassion for all beings. After our prayers, we continue on with great conversations which usually involve; talking about my mom’s drug use or her health issues, possibly something about my uncles drinking problem or lack of work, the daily struggles in my own life, mixed in with talks about the neighbors or their garden. After leaving last time I thought about how easy and flowing our conversations are. We aren’t holding onto anger or disappointment for how things are, we are just living through them…AS they are. On the outside our little reunion looks like a cookie cutter version of “seeing the grandparents” as we sit within their put together modest home with our tea and biscuits, yet within those walls has been so much heartbreak, but thats life… and FAMILY!
So I mentioned this to my mom, the fact that we have all somehow have managed to accept each other, to get past our differences, the need for control, or to change one another. She smiled, remarked on some of those drastic things that set us apart and as the conversation ended so did the thought.
Family.. it's just one little word, but it's what we put into, that makes it what it is. 🖤
A lot of the time I don’t capture the special moments that are shared off camera. So my aim is to share some of those moments with you here. I hope you enjoy them, and please leave a comment if inspired. I love connecting!
