I have never known a life without pain, actually, neither have you, we are born into this world streaming our mothers are screaming. Pain is a part of life and depending on how you see it is how you accept it. For me it’s taken me so long to value my pain, like my mom, I pushed it away, “avoided and distracted”. Many addicts do this with drugs, non-addicts find other means to do this.
But what I have come to know.. if my pain is a testament to my love. How deep the pain is, is how deep the love is. As that just hit so hard in the heart right now, as I am going through one of the most painful experiences in my life.
I’ve had animals in my life all throughout my life. I've foster and have been able to let them go to other homes because I knew I wasn’t ready for them. Meatloaf (my dog) was different. within minutes of meeting him, he claimed me. It took me a sec to give that back, I had to get past all the hair, the endless amounts of walks, and really just to see past my own selfishness to see what was on the other side. I guess it’s similar to unconditional love, the love I shared with my mom. It took us SO long to find a way there, but we achieved it. For us, it was about getting past our own pain to see the other for who they were. RIGHT there at THAT moment, we HAD each other. So often we forget how precious THAT is, till it is gone. We forget that even though THAT person, situation, thing, animal.. isn’t how WE imagined it to be.. IT is a gift.
This past year has been such a gift. To see you embrace life, to know you were rescued from a meat market in China and brought all the way here, and to see YOU (Meatloaf) so grateful for every moment. You were NEVER mean to anything. YOU were beyond excited for every new day, even though you LOVED to sleep in, you loved when I would finally wake you up with a “good morning”. It was like an “I love you” but you liked it better so I would say it to you instead of “I love you”, it was “ours”.
You taught me so much about myself, you showed me the way I show up for life and for others. I watched “golden compass “ with you and YOU were 100% my extension. I LOVED to watch you with others, I never felt jealous of the love you gave others, even though I could see you look back at me with eyes to check. You taught me of real love, love that is endless and all giving, a love that has no lack. You reminded me; this exists in the world, and to believe in it again. But to first give it to myself.
You held me every night, were there when I lost my grandma, were there while I came to finally heal these deeper wounds within.
YOU were a gift and a reminder to never take a gift for granted.
I am writing this while you are fighting for your life, and no matter what YOU choose to do, stay or go, you will forever have the home I promised in me. YOU will always have my heart. I LOVE you. “GOOD MORNING”
update: 3/30/20
So he is out of the hospital, he had every type of blood test, x-ray, ultrasound, and even surgery. The issue has never been fully understood. I took him home with the risk he would still not make it, but not really having many other options.
it’s over a week since he’s been back and he still throws up every 3 days, sometimes for a solid 12 hrs, others just a few times. I have him on a super strict diet of chicken and rice with carrots and potatoes. He is passing it, but not very well. Its been beyond taxing on me, plus the threats of Mexico.. the parasites, and “distemper” which is rampant on the streets and almost always kills the dog within 48 hrs + it SUPER contagious. He can not have the vaccine because of his health, so I have to watch him like a crazy person to make sure he doesn’t interact with other dogs or smell their droppings, or that he doesn’t eat anything that can get lodged in his intestines.
I KNOW I am strong, but it’s been too hard on me and I finally broke yesterday and asked a friend to take him whom I trust and has a backyard. So my nervous system can have a break. So that’s where we are. We are still planning to leave Mexico in a week. Fingers crossed this all resolves, Vet bills are crazy in the US, so I am nervous, but I have to trust everything will be ok.
Oh LIFE so much about trust, I didn’t even see this coming and it defiantly knocked me off my feet and reminded me about the importance of grounding. SO I AM practicing that. It has also brought up others introspections on TRAUMA which I am writing about in the new blog called “TRAUMA”.
