When are you NOT “too much”
understanding our learned behaviors so we can heal..
Well, it’s been a minute since I have felt inspired to express myself through writing, but man does it feel good to know what I can come to my computer and just LET IT OUT!
I have been most active on TikTok and while I LOVE it for so many reasons, I also feel frustrated by it. Mostly regarding the algorithms and how they want you to be “consistent” with posting.. Like why don’t they have an algorithm for adult children who never knew about stability growing up? That learned to cope from constantly being active and probably attempting to do too many things at once… Maybe they should call it the “Superhuman” algorithm. For those that are anything BUT consistent, and that thrive in the unknown and think that can do everything haha (ok.. im mostly joking. I am stable with many thing, but still)
I mean it is great to become aware of our coping mechanisms and yes, we can work to change them, to invite “ consistency”, and “stability ” in but come on.. most of us are a work in progress.
Ok, end rant.. now to the real reason I am writing.
So this past month I have been experiencing extreme emotions… mostly RAGE over some pretty small things. As a person which is working to heal their codependency behaviors (I highly recommend learning more about this if its new to you, and no it isn’t that “codependency” we often hear about that we cannot be alone, etc…rather a learned behavior from having a parent that was unable to meet a child’s needs, that was unstable and the child often felt neglect. . ps…this book totally helps understand and break the cycle.
So I understand that I am in a “process” of healing.. yet, I sometimes feel a bit lost on how this should look. I am so thankful to TikTok for bringing me connections to others that are on a similar journey with shared experiences. SO this morning I reached out to my “pen pal” I say that because we have processed a lot together over the past year and we have never met!
She, like me, grew up in an environment with an unstable parent, and wasn’t able to get her needs met.. the one thing we talk a lot about is “being able to express ourselves.” In the childhood dynamic the parent “caregiver” was emotionally unstable, so we assumed the caregiver role and put our own childhood needs aside. As adults now we are both working on our traumas and learned behaviors to function better. Yet the road is often rocky and dark.. so it’s so nice to ask…” hey have you ever felt this way” which so often the answer is YES!
I wanted to share what I got out of my conversation today.. “ your feelings matter” “ you are allowed to take up space in your relationships”, and the one that made me cry… “but the ones who deserve me can handle it.” Wow who would have known that so often we can feel like we are TOO MUCH for others and to see that we probably push people away when we have intense emotions because we think they will just leave us anyway and it will be easier to leave first.
But we don’t even give them the chance to “ show up” we don’t even give them the chance to show YOU.. you are NOT too much for them!
So If anyone is feeling so many intense emotions in their healing journey, and yes, maybe it is TOO much for some, but to the ones that stay.. and support you on your healing journey… can we just have a moment of THANK YOU! Thank you to my pen pal and the people in my life that allow me to “work it out” and yes I do believe you need to have a level of accountability, BUT it needs to also be met with self-compassion.
ps.. who would have known my suppressed emotion was RAGE haha.. I guess I’m going to have a nice dinner date with that one.. where I can break some dishes:-)
but in the meantime.. it feels good to have a little release cry… so I am leaving this with this song that just came on…
Has anyone else experienced this in their healing journey, intense emotions, probably the ones that have been suppressed?