Music is so key in my life, so I am first sharing the song that I am listening to while I start this blog.. its called “veins”

As I sit here in the same spot that only 2 nights ago this very spot was causing me trauma, I reflect on how quickly we can recover once we give ourselves what we need.

2 nights ago I felt scared and alone. My dog was ill again, it’s been almost 3 weeks of constant stress and uncertainty, not quite knowing what is going on in his body.

Its got me on an emotional rollercoaster of feeling like I had to say my goodbyes a few times. I made peace with it, but he didn’t go. Instead, I just had to become a full-time nurse, death seemed almost more desirable. If I am being honest and for me that is the ONLY way I am choosing to be. To face my own realities of what’s going on inside even if it doesn’t sound good. I was in this EXACT same position with my mom, actually my whole life, this constant state of fear. That thought “is she dead?” always ringing through my heart.. There were times I wished to be relieved of that pain and anxiety. AS cruel as that sounds, it is real.

2 years before she died, she was sure it was coming, and like always, I flew home to be with her! I mentally prepared the best I could, to walk on those “flaming coals”. I had told her when her Emphysema was getting REALLY bad that if she chose to overdose that I would not hold it against her. At that time, there was nothing as “assisted passing” for terminally ill people. So here I was by her bedside as she put so much substance in her body, I tried to sleep to pretend I didn’t know what she was doing.. she was so scared and I just wanted her to find her peace, or maybe “I” also wanted my own peace too. At one point, she said she was scared.. so I held her hand and comforted her… telling her “it’s ok”, over and over. She calmed down slowly, and I felt what felt like her “transitioning”. AND I was prepared to let her go. HOWEVER, in came the care worker in her building, she saw my mom look unconscious, so she started clapping her hands and calling her back! I was so pissed as she came back. AND I had to sit with that shame of that thought. AND to have a serious pep talk with myself because that was not OK, or so I thought. My internal dialog saying… “how dare you, how dare you want someone to go for your own peace of mind, How SELFISH can you be!” AND so I was angry at myself.

And I told myself.. “you are not in charge of another person's path in life”. HOWEVER, I never fully addressed my OWN pain, I NEVER comforted the girl that spent her whole life in fear. Who never knew safety. Why couldn’t I give MYSELF the same level of compassion I was able to give to my mother?

1 year later I was called again to be by her side. ALONE. Alone, because she trusted me, she always said, “I just know everything will be ok when you are here.” So as always.. I ran to her “side” and put myself “aside”. I put my own fears aside, my own pain, to be STRONG once AGAIN for her. But It wasn’t fair! I didn’t want to be a savior, I wanted to be ALSO taken care of, and here I was again, JUST giving.

So skip to 2 years later, and I am AGAIN, nursing! did I attract this? How could I have seen that my dog would get sick? AND YES, I guess that is how LIFE works, we will keep having the situation repeat until we get the lesson.

They say TRAUMA affects the body, it HIGHLY affects the immune system (probably why I always got sick as a kid) and It HIGHLY affects the nervous system (why I have anxiety). So WHAT can I learn from this?

I can learn that I don’t need to be ALONE! I don’t need to be STRONG. I don’t need to be SAVIOR. I don’t want this. SO I reached out, I asked for help. I went on TikTok “live”, because I built a community there, for others, but honestly, maybe it was mostly for me. It’s a community I feel safe with because it is people that have been through what I have been through.. most of us, actually probably ALL of us have been traumatized in life, in some way. So I turned to them when I didn’t want to be alone, and I FINALLY admitted that. AND I was held, with such love and compassion. I was free to cry, I was free to express how scared I was, I was FREE to just have “another” there to take care of me. I asked if it was ok I went to sleep while the “live” continued, and I slept for a little bit, I asked people to speak to each other, and they did. And as I opened my eyes, as I went in and out of sleep, they were there.

I watched a video today on why “self-healing” doesn’t work. it’s because we NEED community. If anything Covid has shown us, is the importance of connection. AND my trauma can be reset, the more I give myself what I was lacking, connection. SO THANK YOU!!!! To everyone that supports me, that shows up in so many different ways in my life. THANK YOU!!!

I am writing this as my dog is being taken care of by a friend, a suggestion from another “TikTok” friend. It was EXACTLY what I NEEDED a couple of days off to breathe again, without feeling guilty about needing that. I HOPE one day I will get to meet most of my TikTok family. BECAUSE that’s what we are “FAMILY”

haha and this is the song I end this with.. it just came on.. it’s called.. “Howling around my happy home” that’s what this is.. this “family” is HOME!