I was one of those lucky people that never had anyone close to me pass away till my late 30’s. After my mom just over a year ago, I said, “I’m glad it was her,” that one of the most significant relationships in my life was given this place. She got to be my first taste of death.

The thing with death, at least to me is it is different than loss. Heartbreak over someone leaving me has been harder than death because I knew that I would probably never get back to the love we once shared. Death to me feels like a moment in time is forever captured. Knowing that the love you had at the moment they passed will always stay that way. To me, that is the blessing of death.

I was also lucky because both people I DEEPLY loved (now my Grandma), got to be free from their suffering. Death and change are the only constant things in life, we will all experience it. So in some way that is beautiful. To know we all feel the same pains, the same fears, and the same excitements. It allows us, at that moment, to feel like one.

So here is my love letter to you Grandma,

Thank you, thank you for sending us those checks every bday and holiday. When I was younger I didn’t know you did that so you would know we were alive when we cashed them. Mom implanted some not so great stuff about you, and as kids, we didn’t know better to make our own opinions of you. I’m thankful I gave you the chance to make my own opinion when I was old enough.

I am thankful I got to know your spirit, that I got to take you to a gay run restaurant that verbally abuses you, I thought it would be funny, boy did you surprise them when you gave their lip right back to them:-) I’m thankful I got to be the person that brought you to your last visit with your daughter, my mom. I’m thankful that my love for you both allowed you to slowly start to mend your relationship with each other. I’m thankful to see that you were one of the few people my mom talked to the most towards the end of her life. I’m thankful that I got to witness true healing. I got to see all the pain and misunderstanding between you too, come back to love.

I’m thankful that in some way I got to play out the role of a daughter for you. My mom was so immersed in her addiction that she wasn’t able to see what she stripped you of. You told me one visit, “no one ever thought about what I wanted from my daughter, someone to travel with, to share normal Mother-daughter things with.” I’m thankful I got to travel with you. For your 90’s birthday, we went to visit this whole other side of my family, on the east side of Canada. I had never met them and I got to see how much they all loved you. I got to witness that and to feel even more honored to be your granddaughter.

Thank you for being my #1 supporter. I have many, but your support was different. You made me demand things from life. When my ex took back the motorcycle he gave me, you said, “don’t give it back.” I laughed at this because this is not how the law works. It was never put under my name, so I had too, but I didn’t tell you for a while because I knew it would make you upset, but I know you were proud of me when I bought my own:-)

I’m glad I was the person that got to be there when you lost your second husband. I got to see you so angry, and anger that scared me. I was too young then to know, that anger was the pain of your loss. It was your love.

But truly grandma, I want to thank you for believing in me. And for giving me the best compliment a person can get, “you give me bragging rights.” You told me this 6 days before you passed. Thank you for loving me the way you do, and thank you for being the person you were, so I could love you the way that I do.

Love your granddaughter,

Tarah

I know that I now have another guardian angle looking out for me, i’ll be sure to take you and mom on a hell of a ride. Trust me. Life has so much in store for me, I’m happy to know you’ll be along for this ride, just without the vehicle.